It's at an ungodly hour - 5 am! And I'm still crawling through my A* pathfinding algorithm.

But was just looking through somebody's blog, and very encouraged about how God has been transforming this dear friend's life over the past few years.

Made me think about these 8 years since I asked Jesus into my heart, and amazed at the deepness of it all, over the years. These 4.5 years of life in university seem so ... so long ago, so far away, and yet simultaneously, so short, so fleeting, so near.

4 years is a long time. A lot can happen in one year. But very little can happen in one year too. I think I've experienced both kinds of experiences during these 4 years in NUS.

The highs and the lows, the pride and fall... the humility and the lifting up... crazy, isn't it?

Came in blur, freshman, eager to do something for God in NUS ministry. Being appointed care coordinator in 2003 - really scared, yet excited, fresh, inexperienced and insecure. Difficult times, CL had big problems, brothers very affected, NUS sub-d in very bad shape, only Shirley was around to help hold the CG together. Think Alan summed it up well when he exclaimed to the NUS sub-D, "Are we so short on leaders that we have to ask someone who is so unlikely to be a leader to serve as a leader? Yes, he's willing, but has it come to the point where we have to scrape the bottom of the bucket for people who are willing to serve God?"

Then core-team... then let myself get proud because of the title I thought I deserved. Then God exposed the hidden thoughts and motives in my heart, made them very obvious and clear. He took away what I took pride in, made me simply a member. Zewei told me frankly, "You want to become a CL, because you want to feel important." Thank God for his rebuke... it really hurt then, but I'm grateful he told me that, because God was telling me very clearly what my heart condition was.

Self-righteousness. I've done stupid things. Chased some sisters. Hanhui caught me and corrected me. Couldn't get along well with my shepherd, because insisted on hearing only what I wanted to hear. Zewei told me that I was not teachable. Having a very strong filter, hearing only what I wanted to hear.

Jan - Aug 2005. Broken. Thought at times I was going to go crazy. Didn't feel close to anyone in the CG, unit or even subdistrict. Got into quarrels with Peter (who would later become my shepherd). Really felt like leaving church at times. Behaved very strangely. Totally lost, mixed-up in my thoughts. Felt like an animal, like King Nebuchadnezzar who ate grass like a cow, because God punished him for his pride. Got my lowest grades ever for two modules: D and D+. CAP plunged like mad. Devastated. Saw younger Christians becoming shepherds, while I was not taking care of people. Felt so worthless, etc., because I put a lot of my identity in what I could do. Told Ellson I wanted to die. He hugged me and prayed for me there and then.

Tried so hard to change. Tried to change the way I behave. Tried to change my attitudes of self-centredness. Tried. But failed. As like what Peter told me during 3rd shepping session, "You've tried so hard, and you've failed." Because I was relying on my own efforts instead of seeking God.

1 Sep 2005. Healing. Sijia told me to turn back to Jesus. Just to seek Him for who He is. To ask Him for healing for my soul. For the first time in many months, finally experienced true peace in my soul. Surrendered to Jesus all my insecurities. Slowly found His Word coming alive in my soul. Learnt to treasure His words so much more preciously. More than food itself. Realised what Hon Loong and Guo Qiang had been trying to tell me all these years. To know God. To love Him. To love His people. Realised that it is only the presence of Jesus that can really transform a person's heart. No other way. "I am the Way and the Truth and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through Me."

That was a major time that God REALLY humbled me, REALLY rebuked me, REALLY crushed me, REALLY broke my spirit, till I went crawling on my knees to Him (literally) and cried out to Him for mercy - and realised just how quick He is to forgive.

Tears of joy, tears of sorrow.

Learnt to see God in more and more aspects of my life. Found myself slowly hungering for more of God. His love is sweeter than honey. Learnt to treasure my relationship with God. Slowly realised His true calling for me in the media area. Somehow had the impression that God wanted to bless me with the name Abraham - "Father of many nations". Realised that children feel comfortable with me. Grew in burden for children.

Blessed in friendship. Ruey Fong - a true gift from God! Learnt from him what true friendship really means. Grew to love others more. Started overcoming my insecurities to bless people, regardless of their responses. Learnt to trust people on the basis of their characters, not on the basis of my expectation of their responses. (Thank God for Weizhu who taught me that too.)

2006: Year of Calling. Breakthroughs coming in. God raised me up in studies. Commended by my lecturer. Grew in wisdom and understanding in academic arena. Joined HopeKids. Weizhu's encouragement to me to "only let us live up to what we have already attained". Clearer understanding of what to look for in my future wife. Ministry. Alpha. Hard work. But experienced for the first time what it really means to rub shoulders. To be real. Like Peter said, "Let others see your dark side too." Fun times. Crazy times. Conflicts. Tiredness. Time wif Jitsy, Guan, Shunrong, Nic, Eric, Hongyao, Huanyan, Dorling and others. Saw people at their realest. But at the end of it all, deep joy. Joy knowing that what we've done in the eyes of God will last for eternity. Jesus will never ever forget what we've done for Him and His people.

Times of sowing. Zhiwei and Benny. Planning with Flince and Michelle. More treasured memories. High-fives exchanged. Heated exchanges. Email plannings and fervent fasting and praying. Learnt to sense the Holy Spirit's prompting and guidance. Piang! the Spirit is really powerful - He's like a precision-guided missile. Learnt to listen to His guidance, to aim accurately in my prayers and actions, to speak with faith.

Times of fellowship. Ridgeview Residences. Got to know Qiaoping better as a friend, not just as a sister. Memories of hostel life. Got to know Tianfang, the face behind the "Chinese nationality". To see the story behind his life. Touched. Suppers. Studying together at HQ and YIH. Exam revisions. One of the happiest times in my life. Engine room. Food. Robert making friends with the security guard. Chocolate fondue. Got to know Huanyan better.

My CG. Hongtao's sharing during group QT. Incredibly touched. Flince's struggles and how he overcame bit by bit. Saw how he grew warmer and friendlier. Eugene! Change in his heart, in his spirit. Other bros, but not enough time here.

Men's Conference. Seed of burden planted. Personalisation. HopeKids.

Zhiwei coming to know Christ. "Sing, my soul, sing! Sing if it still can sing, Sing after all these years!" Joy! Labour in the Lord not in vain.

My email to my CG. Eagerness to see brothers growing in initiative. YF's sharing and her encouragement. Made me cry. In S11 some more. (A guy crying in front of a girl? Weird liao. But I don't care. It was God at work.) "Don't take God's sheep for yourself." Broken-hearted. Realised His love, grace and mercy. His gentleness even in correcting me.

Her affirmation to me. Touched me a lot. Didn't realise how God has used me to bless many lives around me. Recalled Hanhui's words to me in 2004: "I literally expect you to overcome yourself and influence those around you."

Yet, not I, but Christ. Because Yeu Ann no longer lives, but Christ lives in him. The life that Yeu Ann lives, he lives by faith in the Son of God who loved him and gave Himself up for him. So let Yeu Ann not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through following legalistic standards of living, Christ died for nothing!

So many deep memories. So many things to show how fallen and sinful I am. And so many things to show how rich His grace is, how He is restoring what was broken, so that it may truly fly.

*******
So after rattling on and on, it's about an hour or so. God! what novels I can write...

So what's the purpose of all this writing? Hmm, more of cartharsis, I'd say. But keeping in mind Paul's words, "Forgetting what lies behind, I press on to take hold of that which Christ Jesus took hold of me..."

Think God has been training me, over the past 8 years, to learn to become a servant. Looking at the past, it helps me have an idea of the direction I'm headed in. Think the fruits in my life are, like what Veron said, "intangible."

Realised that my strengths, and areas of ministry fruits, are not so much in the pastoral area, but in the support area. I love the physical arts, and I love to do the media arts. Realised that God made me to be an arts person, that's why I enjoy arts module much more than computing modules. Reason I like programming is because programming is like art to me.

Considering whether to join TWAM. Not sure. There's the cost to pay. Can I pay? Not sure. But whatever I lack, Jesus will top up. Only that He wants me to be aware of the true cost of ministry. Will not be easy. But He told me during a particular worship session, "If anyone would come after Me, he must deny himself, take up his cross daily and follow Me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and the gospel will find it."

And Veron's sharing of the kernel of wheat that falls to the ground and dies. "Unless it dies, it remains only a seed."

God knows I still have a LOT of dying to self I have yet to do. E.g. my laziness, my nuah-ness. Yet I will still rejoice, because I know that it is His grace that gives me what I do NOT deserve. He's given me good grades, I got into top schools even though I was definitely one of the laziest guys around. But now, in NUS, hah, He let me reap what I sow. Yet, it's because He loves me, that why He wants me to experience the pain so that I will learn faster and become the person that HE wants me to be.

Typed for 1.5 hours, but really, this is only a small bit of what God has been doing in my life. "Many are the wonders You have done, O my God - were I to tell of them, they would be TOO MANY TO DECLARE!" True! So true!