Had watched "DeathNote" wif the rest of the CG after we celebrated Nic's bday. Hmm, very good movie in the sense of a plot - quite like the ambiguous ending at the end and the various symbolic references scattered throughout the plot. Now can see why so many ppl like this DeathNote... :)

However, the movie also set me thinking - and actually i was thinking about this question just before i watched the movie...

Somehow, I was thinking of my upcoming birthday, and for various reasons, it made me think... "Is it worth loving God?" or something like that. Even if God loved me, what was to stop me from leaving Him? I was stunned by this temptation to just leave Him for the pleasures of this world, like a faithless wife leaving the husband who loves her wholeheartedly, even though she knows very well that the husband loves her enough to die for her.

I was looking at myself in the mirror, and just thinking about that. Flipped through my mental Bible, but somehow... the whole chain of reasoning seemed so circular - "God is good -> He deserves to be loved -> So love God because He is good..."

And the movie made me think, if the supposed "justice-maker" can be so scheming as to sacrifice the life of the one who loves him most, then could even God be trusted? Is he, in CS Lewis' words, the Great Terror, the One who is able to help us most, but also the One who has the power to kill and destroy us utterly? How can He be trusted then? If He could sacrifice the life of His one and only Son, just to win our trust... and then He would hold us hostage?

In other words, is God really that good? Or is He simply a Cosmic Terrorist?

Extremely dangerous thoughts... and this time 'round I couldn't find any answers. Resurrection of Christ? But what if He did it all as the Greatest Deception of all time?

Oh God...

But decided to follow Billy Graham's example and just trust that God's Word has the answers, even if right now I can't understand.

So was talking and just sharing all these thoughts, doubts and fears with God today during my QT.

Thank God, somehow He answered all my doubts and questions with answers from the books of John, Job and Psalm 73. (I remember Ziwei was sharing wif me from the book of Job... thank God for her sharing, it was really very helpful!)

He assured me that He has nothing to hide (John 3:20-21), and that He is not a man, that He should lie...

1. Numbers 23:19
   God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?
   
2. 1 Samuel 15:29
   He who is the Glory of Israel does not lie or change his mind; for he is not a man, that he should change his mind."

And He reminded me from the book of Job and Psalm 73, that in the end, my understanding is limited and there are things about Him that I simply cannot understand, because I am just a human being. He is not a man, yet He is the Son of Man... He is holy and distant... yet, He came near to us as a man...

I'm so stunned. There are so many things about God that I can NEVER EVER understand in this lifetime. He just simply is too big to understand... and I could search for all eternity, and find there is NONE like Him! Little wonder the apostle Paul, one of the most brilliant thinkers in history, exclaimed:

33Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!
How unsearchable his judgments,
and his paths beyond tracing out!
34"Who has known the mind of the Lord?
Or who has been his counselor?"
35"Who has ever given to God,
that God should repay him?"
36For from him and through him and to him are all things.
To him be the glory forever! Amen.
(Romans 11)

Can't help crying now. God really... is just too awesome. He is God, and I am just a mere man. He is Spirit, and I am just dust. Yet He chose to call me His own, His child, bought with His own blood. Oh my God, this love, how can it be?

*******
Think this is a breakthrough in faith for me. Recalling Jesus' words to Thomas so many years ago, "Because you have seen Me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed."

I used to depend on the intellectual argument that the Resurrection of Christ is the one thing that forms the cornerstone of my faith.

But think even the strongest intellectual understanding has its limits - and there and then, that is where we MUST have faith. Faith that follows Christ, even when we cannot see there and then. Faith that trusts God is good, even in the darkest hour. Faith that triumphs, in spite of the Old Lie: "Can God be trusted?"

And the good thing is, such faith pleases God. God is testing our love for Him.

We are not blind because of faith; on the contrary, we need faith because we are blind.

Think such faith can only arise out of walking closer and closer with Him, day by day, until you know more and more of His character, such that even if the best lawyers and judges were to say, "God is guilty, guilty, guilty! Let him DIE!", you would know that in the end, He would rise from the grave of men's skepticism and existentialism, roll away the Stone of Stubbornness, and walk out - the Truth is Risen, and He lives forevermore! Amen!