A Fierce Joy

Just had a realization just now. Revelation, if you'd like to call it. Bcos today was a difficult day for me - internally felt very nuah, getting up, taking my time to go for tutorial, went in late, and to be honest, feeling quite bo-chup, even though I know that I shouldn't be having that attitude.

After tutorial, went and just crapped with some pple at HQ. HY will know wat I mean. :) But to be honest, I think the way I was crapping was definitely in the flesh, not very edifying. Hmm, tink some ppl will say here, it's just crapping lah, no need to be so serious. Well, i do know my spirit pretty well - and i'm pretty sure my spirit wasn't very right at that time. Self-centred, self-absorbed, just plain selfish and self-indulging.

So felt quite bad, went to the rooftop to pray. Asked Him to settle my mind, and just talked crap with Him. He's incredibly patient. :) Hmm... think one thing I'm grateful to God is that I want to be consistent with Him, wherever I am... even if I talk crap, I do want to be consistent in school, at home, in church... wherever I am. If I've sinned against Him, let it be consistent, let me not hide it before Him. So if I talk crap with ppl, I also want to talk crap with God. I don't want to approach Him with hoity-toity religious language - I want to be REAL with Him. This is something that Peter corrected me before, and I want to keep this in mind till the day I die, or Jesus returns, whichever comes first. :) Anyway, God is omniscient, so no point hiding from Him anyway... this is basic doctrine mah, even atheists know about this point well.

Hmm, anyway, after that, my toothache came back again. The chicken chunks wreaked havoc with my fragile molar... it was PAIN after dinner. Took Panadol from Huifang - thank God for her! - felt better.

But felt grumpy, because wasted 1.5 hours of time playing computer games, and 0.5 hours reading about - of all things - the Russian Revolution of 1991. Ertz. Because I really felt so sian about my programming assignment, to the point where I ignored some of the SMSes that I got. Including ministry emails that I'd promised to reply today.

Finally, I just walked off to the overhead bridge, underneath the moonlit sky, and just prayed again. Told God I'm super-sian, don't want to do anything, but felt frustrated by my laziness and procrastination. Felt loopy in my mind too - just wanted to do anything but programming.

Then was reminded of the Psalm that I read during QT today. "Find rest, O my soul, in God alone... Pour out your heart to Him, for God is our refuge."

Wow, praise God! His encouragements are always on time. :) So just prayed, asking God to help me do the right thing - to start working on my assignment and not slack anymore. Prayed "in Jesus' name, amen", then just walked off. Think no need to wait for some reply from God about this... when you KNOW that what you're praying for is the right thing in God's eyes, well, just pray and go off and do it, even if you don't feel like doing it.

Thank God, He helped me get started, and the next half-hour was good. :) Think it pleased Daddy to see me working harder.

Then went back home. Talked more crap with Xinying.

As I was walking back home, just shared with God about my day today. Just felt tired and rather monotonous today. So started singing "Find rest, my soul, in Christ alone / Know His power, in quietness and trust..."

And as I walked, in retrospect, somehow felt the Holy Spirit in me encouraging me to sing to Him more... so I sang even louder... somehow, I sang it with fierceness in my heart. Not frustrated, just joyfully fierce. (Looked around first to see nobody's around. :))

Now, the testimony here is, when I got back home, somehow, all the frustration, stress, tiredness and worries all seemed to become so much smaller. Somehow, all the things that make me worried all seem to go back to their proper sizes - rightfully smaller than my God. :) Was reminded of Paul and Silas singing for joy to God in prison. And realised that even when I've cocked up, God's grace is still there for me. I realised that we can rejoice with a fierce joy, a joy that is fierce and free, that refuses to bend to the chains of this sad world, but flies free in the freedom of its Lord and Saviour.

As John Ortberg writes in "The Life You've Always Wanted",
"One test of authentic joy is its compatibility with pain. Joy in this world is always joy "in spite of" something. Joy is, as Karl Barth, put it, a "defiant nevertheless" set at a full stop against bitterness and resentment."

Something that struck me was what he wrote next: "If we don't rejoice today, we will not rejoice at all. If we wait until conditions are perfect, we will still be waiting when we die. If we are going to rejoice, it must be in this day. This is the day that the Lord has made. This is the Dee Dah Day. (bold mine)"

Wow... thank God so much! :) That He chooses to give us so much in spite of the fact we deserve so little - in fact, less than nothing!

It's not that He's lowered His standards - no, no, no! - but His grace gave us full grades, and even more, even when we've flunked His tests big-time. So we have every good reason to rejoice, rejoice with an in-your-face attitude towards our light and momentary troubles, because of God's grace to us.

The sheer lavishness and goodness of God!