Thought twice about publishing this... because, to be honest, I'm afraid of being scolded for struggling with the same thing again. But I don't care - I want to be corrected if I need to be. Maybe it's not encouraging to read this. Stumbling even. Hmm. Well, again then it might encourage others in future. I don't know.

Plenty of mixed motives, actually, when I write this. But I remember what Peter told me last year at East Coast Park: When you detect wrong motives in your hearts, even though what you're doing may seem right, pray to God to give you the right motives. He will help you.

I recognise this inner thought again - it's something that comes into my mind from time to time - especially when I'm tired and have lots of things to do. So I'm penning it down - it's one of my attempts to "take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ", to pin down and expose this thought of disappointment every time it infiltrates my mind.

But looking forwards to the day when I can look back at this entry with gratitude in my heart to Jesus, my dear Lord and Saviour, how He's answered my prayer for change... perhaps He's been changing me even though I can't see... slowly and imperceptibly over the years.

Well, just like what my shepherd told me - the important thing is that you don't remain stuck in the same struggle, but change - even if it's only a little bit.

Bit by bit... doggedly and determinedly... this is the good fight of the faith, man! :D

So here goes.
Why am I not good in connecting with ppl?
Why am I not good in connecting with ppl?
Why am I not good in connecting with ppl?

But why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I'll yet praise Him,
my Saviour and my God.

These old demons, they come back
But with the word of God, them I'll slay
Let them no longer haunt me
For Christ's my confidence, amen!

"Brothers think of what you were when you were called
Not many of you were influential, not many of noble birth
Not many wise, not many strong.
But God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.
He chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise
And the lowly things, and the things that are not
To shame the things that are,
that none shall boast before Him.
It is because of Him that you are in Christ Jesus,
who has become for us our Righteousness, Holiness, Redemption

So let him who boast, boast in the Lord."

I'm praying now in the Spirit
And beautiful thots are flowing into my mind.
Somehow the love of God is so real
And His words assure me so.

"So do not fear, for I am with you,
Do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give you
I do not give to you as the world gives.
Do not let your hearts be troubled,
and do not be afraid."

Take heart, YA, yeah? Remember Jesus loves you,
and He died for you. And when Satan condemns and accuses you,
remember that Jesus Christ is our Faithful Lawyer...

"We have One who speaks to the Father in our defence -
Jesus Christ the Righteous One.
He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins,
and not just for our sins,
but also for the sins of the whole world."

Think I sense His Spirit telling me to cheer up,
He has promised to help me grow in what I do desire -
And it is a good desire - a desire to connect with ppl better
So that I can show God's love to them better.

"Delight yourself in the LORD,
and He will give you the desires of your heart."
He has promised this, and He won't break this -
Even if we are faithless, He will remain faithful,
for He cannot disown Himself.

Be strong in the Lord, aMeN?
Be strong in the Lord... trust in Him...
Because when you are weak, He becomes stronger.
So rest all of yourself, and cast all your cares on Him...
Because He will help you, just as He already said.
Just trust in Him, and wait.