What Sisters Want (Edited)

Writer's Note:

I edited some changes here... sorry, this is my own perspective, based on what I understood of my sisters' sharing. There's bound to be some mistakes, so if you feel that I'm seriously mistaken... then just feel free to let me know! :)

But my key purpose in writing this is essentially that us brothers will have a better understanding of what our dear sisters in church are looking for in godly men... 

Hope this helps!

---

Recently, I met up two sisters. And we happened to start sharing about the brothers in church.

The sisters declared, "The brothers lack initiative."

"I see... what do you mean by initiative?"

"Well, as in for example, a girl would like a guy to come over and take the initiative to talk with her. Not huddle up in separate groups. You don't need to do big things for her - we girls can tell whether a guy is interested in us. We're very sensitive to these kind of things. Just take the initiative to talk, do simple small things. Now of course, I don't mean must go and do big things like give flowers every day... that'd make the girl feel uncomfortable."

"Orh I see."

Then I thought for a while.

My response: "Ok. Let me speak for the brothers. It's not that we lack initiative. On the contrary we do, but the sisters don't make it any easier for us to take the initiative. Hence we tend to be very cautious."

They nodded quietly, and thought about what I had said.

Then one of the sisters responded:
"I think it's not really about initiative then, but about the lack of social maturity in the brothers. I mean, among the brothers I see in my group..."

*******
To summarise the long conversation:

(I try my best to summarise... but it's always possible I may have misunderstood what my two sisters shared... but sounds reasonable enough to understand lah.)

What our sisters want from the brothers :

1. initiative in connecting to the sisters
2. social maturity
3. being easy to connect with, not making silly jokes and talking so much nonsense
4. being kind and considerate - not only to one girl in particular, but to all the other sisters too.

Some possible factors in the lack (apparent or real - since this is from the sisters' perspective) of social maturity in the brothers:
- Not enough male leaders to set an example in social maturity.
- We are arranged by life-stations
- Own family background too / Singapore culture in general?

I also thought about the way our church is arranged. We are arranged by life-stations. While this arrangement has its strengths, it also means that the younger ones have much less exposure to older people.

Like those from the Family group. We don't have them as role models, simply because we almost never see them. Thus, in part, we don't get to learn how we young men should treat our sisters.

But that may not be the only thing lah. Probably different cultures too. 'Cos even from the same family, two brothers may have very different ways of treating a lady.

*********
But... now let's think again. The question is, is it really a must for the brothers to be very socially mature? Because this is a cultural thing.

I think too often, we confuse consideration and kindness with acts of consideration and kindness. Is being chivalrous a biblical concept? Or is it merely a cultural thing that the sisters expect?

I'm not saying that it's a sin to be chivalrous. On the contrary, the principles on which it's based upon can be traced to Paul's exhortation to 1 Timothy, about treating older women as mothers, younger women as sisters - with absolute purity. And be it a Greco-Roman or a Chinese or whatever family, I think the principles of loving your family members are pretty timeless. :)

Still, I think some of our sisters might need to be careful that though they know that God has intended the men to lead and to set an example for the women, such expectations should never become breeding grounds for contempt and a judgemental spirit.

Or even worse, a spirit of comparison that gives the sister an internal justification for leaving the church to go after a non-Christian boyfriend.

Colossians cautions us: "See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy which depends on human traditions and the basic principles of this world, rather than on Christ."

I think there is nothing more discouraging than a sister who keeps nagging a brother to "lead"... the question is, do they know what it actually means to lead?

Instead of criticising, sisters, I urge you, encourage us and help us know what your expectations are. You must understand that this culture that we are in is not a healthy ground for building strong men.

Consider the age in which we live in now - an increasingly fatherless generation, weak and timid fathers, men of cowardice, shallow portrayals of men... e.g. Edison Chen's irresponsibility towards the women that he slept with...

*********
I'll end with a story here.

I was standing in the MRT the other time, and saw a frail old lady standing too. And the entire carriage was packed full. And right in front of the old lady, a young teenage boy was listening to his MP3 player, listening to his music... all the while seeing the old lady standing up.

Well, of course, I wasn't too happy to see such a scene. But I wondered what I could do. So after watching the boy sitting there, self-absorbed, lost in his own world, while the frail lady stood there in front of him... I decided to ask the boy whether he'd like to give up his seat. But I hemmed and hawed until a few stops later, because I wondered how silly I'd look if the boy refused to.

When I did, the boy looked at me with surprise. He took his earpieces out of his ears. I repeated again, "Uh, Sir, can you give this old lady your seat?"

And to my surprise, he quickly got up and gave the lady his seat readily. To be sure, he was pretty paiseh, but I was glad to see his readiness to respond.

I mouthed a "thanks man" to the boy. And the old lady looked so appreciative.

So reflected, sometimes we guys can be really inconsiderate. Perhaps it's because actually we never had any role models to learn from. Today's society and media don't help much either. Edison Chen's escapades for example. We men often do what we do, simply because we are ignorant. So teach us, for we do not know what we are doing.

In any case, we brothers in Christ have to grow more Christ-like! Christ really treated the women very well - much better than the other men of his time.

Just some super-long contemplations.

Perhaps you can share your thoughts about what you think we brothers need to grow in? (There's always the Anonymous option...)

I'm serious, because I want to do my part to help us men grow in love for God and for the people around us - a wiser, deeper and more mature love.