Wow, thank God for today. :D It was a wonderful time celebrating Flince's bday and the carolling session. Think Huanyan's written a tome on it in his blog entry, so shan't write more on it. Hee hee... so I'll carry on from that point where quite a number of us went home.

Initially wanted to go watch movie with Bo, Swee and the other bros and sisters. But decided I needed to rest earlier and save money too - I've been burning money this month more than the whole of Singapore does during the Hungry Ghost Festival.

And also thought of spending the time with God as well - it's Jesus' birthday today mah... and also I really needed to spend some close time with Him - the past 2 weeks have been a whirlwind for me, MM and all that... was feeling very dry spiritually, and I sensed that I was becoming very self-centred in my attitude, especially today.

And I know that I really need to go back to Jesus when that happens...

But when I was on my way back, I felt really disappointed, starting to regret not going with the brothers and sisters who stayed back to watch a movie.

And when I walked back home, I felt really lonely. Was thinking that this is my last Christmas wif the NUS bros and sisters... and probably the last time I can spend such a late night like this with them. And when I reached home, nobody was at home. My parents and sister were out.

Felt that chill of loneliness fill my heart again - something that I'd not felt since the start of this year.

Took my Bible and tried reading the Christmas story, but the carols that we had sung kept echoing in my head and I felt even lonelier, because carols are best sung in a group setting...

So closed the Bible and shared with God my sadness and disappointment.

Then was thinking whether to call Huanyan to chat with him. Thought about it - I mean, shouldn't we draw strength from God when we feel lonely? But also remembered what one of my old sheps and CLs had told me before, that God created other people to help meet our need for company too.

So msged Huanyan that I was feeling lonely at home and wanted someone to chat with. Thank God he was on his way home, so called him.

Then HY said that Robert was with him, and passed the phone over to Robert.

Robert, wow, thank God for him so much, blessed me a lot with his cheery words of encouragement, and what he told me really struck me a lot.

He said that I made the right decision to go back earlier, because we older people (haha...) need to rest, seriously, and besides, Christmas ultimately is all about Jesus - the very thing that had been in my thoughts before I called Huanyan! - so why not take time to go back earlier and reflect on the true meaning of Christmas?

And also, the carnal self of ours wants to stay out late, watch movies, booze, etc... he had just drunk a whole lot of alcohol that night and that was killing his throat - thirsty! So we need to strike a balance, draw the line.

Felt very encouraged when he told me all that, because I realised that I had made a good decision after all to go back earlier - even though I had earlier felt that it was a stupid mistake to go back home.

So something very wonderful today was that I learnt from this experience that sometimes when I make the right choice, a good decision, with all the right reasons and motives... it can actually feel like a bad decision!

I realised that our hearts are REALLY REALLY REALLY deceitful beyond all understanding. I had felt so guilty, and yet God saw my heart to want to honour Him, and He was pleased... Wah, I really must learn to walk by the Spirit and not lean on my feelings, but rely on the Word of God as the true navigational instrument for my life!

And also, I realised that I had fallen into the classic trap of worrying about the temporal future - which was over something so small, and frankly, inconsequential - as compared to having an eternal viewpoint, that my life was never my own to begin with - it's all about living to EXTEND HIS KINGDOM!

This verse had also come to my mind: "If anyone would come after Me, he must deny himself, take up his cross daily and follow Me..."

That verse impressed itself very strongly into my heart.

So I think God impressed on my heart after that conversation - really thanks so much, HY and Robert... thank God for wonderful spiritual buddies like you! - that for all my failures today, self-centred attitude, etc... I had passed one of His tests of discipleship... to make the decision to honour Him with my finances and my health...

And Ps Jeff's msg during the Christmas service also spoke to me about giving our own lives to Jesus as a gift, just as He gave His life for us as a gift... I responded during the altar call, and I realised that He was already answering my prayer today!

Whoa... so glad I can give Jesus a gift after all this Christmas... the gift of my own decision to go back and spend quality time with Him! Hee hee... felt so much joy fill my heart after I realised that truth... and I think I felt Him smile in my heart.

And I also realised that God had given me many opportunities to pray or bless some people on the way home - e.g. seeing YF sharing wif XL on the MRT home, think the Spirit reminded me to support them in prayer, encourage a dear brother to share his testimony with a younger brother, chat with Wenjuan and enjoy her company, chat with Benny...

And I got to chat with my aunt who called at 2.20 am from the USA! You know, she was trying so hard to contact my dad, but didn't manage to do so - and was going to stop calling that day... if I wasn't at home earlier, God knows what could have happened... she mentioned to me that my speech had improved a lot... I think it's in terms of tone and pronunciation... so I took the opportunity to say "thank God for that..." (said it quite a few times hee hee... because I know my aunt's not really committed as a Christian... hope this sows a few seeds in her heart...)

And she reminded me to visit my old principal from the special school for the hearing-impaired that I went to many years ago... wow... what she told me was that this principal had put in so much effort to take care of me... so I should visit her soon... esp since she's now very old and can't walk. So I told her I'll visit Sister Anne this week.

Hmm... All these were things that I wouldn't be able to do if I had chosen to watch the movie. It's not wrong... i think both choices were quite good in themselves... but I chose the better one - because I wanted to honour God... and found it very tough to do so... because it meant dying to my own carnal desires to want to enjoy myself instead of spending desperately needed time with God...

And yet He chose to minister to me, despite my reluctance, and looking-back attitude.

Wow... why did He do that? I don't know... yet He still loves me so much... I realise that He is training me up to be a disciple of His... not just a believer... and I have so much to learn in following the way of the Master, Jesus Christ.

I'm getting more eager to go over to the Adults ministry as the days go by. I think this eagerness is not from myself - it's due to God's grace. Because from what I can see so far, the bros and sisters in the Adults ministry are very eager to be disciples of Christ who live a real-world faith. I think I failed as a disciple of Christ in the tertiary ministry, but like Jesus reinstating Peter as a disciple after Peter had denied Him THREE times, I think He's graciously picking me up again and calling me to follow Him and be His disciple.

True discipleship... it is never easy. But the rewards of following Him are worth all eternity.

Merry Christmas, dear friends, and may the joy of the Lord Jesus fill your hearts this wonderful season, and even if you don't have a personal relationship with God yet, may the peace of God begin to touch your hearts during this season - "and on earth peace to men on whom His favour rest..." May the Lord's favour be upon you this wonderful season!

He gave the greatest Gift of all when He gave Jesus
He sent the greatest Gift of love wrapped in His Son.
He brought us hope when we had nothing left to hope for
Redemption's story had begun

He gave the greatest Gift of all when He gave Jesus
He sent the greatest Gift of love wrapped in His Son.
He brought us hope when we had nothing left to hope for
At last the long awaited promise,
The Gift the world was waiting for had come!