I think it's because this semester, I've been spending less and less time seeking Him, and when I do seek Him, often, it's like, I'm sitting down, just thinking about my own agendas and desires, wishes, fantasies etc, and my Lord is just sitting there, patiently waiting for me to stop talking to myself and start talking to Him.
Plus, I think I'm becoming increasingly slack, not wanting to push myself on harder to exercise self-control and restraint in the things that I already know I should be mature in. E.g. the way I handle crushes, the way I handle my negative feelings, my emotions. I'm like that marathon runner, who upon experience the first aches, starts walking. He never really stretches himself to the fullest limit, and so, never really grows as a result.
1 Corinthians 9:24-27
Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.
Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.
I feel lousy again, because I realise that I've let myself get hoodwinked again by Satan, succumbing to temptation and insecurity and fear. What I mean is that there's this particular weakness of mine that has been with me all these years, and the thing is, every time I go through this test, I keep failing and failing. 8 years of failing... I'm amazed at His incredible patience with me!
Realised in my reflection that I've not done anything to learn from my mistakes so that I can take evasive actions - e.g. immediately accounting to my shepherd and closer brothers and sisters whom I can trust to keep me accountable. (Something like, a soldier being aware of a potential ambush or trap, taking cover immediately when he recognizes one.)
Ok, I guess I have done that in a small way, but still, I'm not living up to what I've already attained then.
*******
Actually, yeah, thinking about insecurity, I got whammed by it again. Really feel very tempted to do something that's stupid, and insecurity makes me do very strange things. I recognise that I'm not alone - in Joyce Meyer's book, "Approval Addiction", she lists out various examples of the strange things people do when they are insecure. It's that grip of "cold turkey", when it comes to approval addiction, and God have mercy on me, it's a nasty feeling - it overwhelms you and short-circuits your rational and emotional thinking. But I need to remember well the Christian's Declaration of Freedom:
Galatians 5:1
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.
*******
Thankful to God for His help. I was praying, asking Him to forgive me and set me free from this insecurity bondage that makes me think and therefore do such stupid and strange things, and somehow, I had this assurance that things will turn out well, because He is with me. That's all. It's His presence that really, really, really, really, really, really, really matters. I know I stand forgiven by His blood, and I stand up again by His mercy, and I stand a free man by His grace!
And this verse calmed my heart and mind:
Proverbs 3:16
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."
And then it struck me. That was the verse that a brother had prophesised over me before I went into the NUS ministry, accompanied by a specific vision of me being surrounded by many trees, and lost and confused.
I think that verse was really meant to carry me through this time in NUS, and more clearly so, a weapon against the insecurity that Satan would try to tempt and attack me with. Wow. "Full circle", what Robert said last time before he moved on to Adults ministry - that came to my mind. And so, in the last weeks of the NUS ministry, I realise that God had equipped me with a powerful counter and precise antidote to my insecurity:
TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL YOUR HEART (note, it didn't say mind... because I think insecurity attacks the mind) AND LEAN NOT ON YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING; IN ALL YOUR WAYS ACKNOWLEDGE HIM (this will keep me safe from going off the good path) AND HE WILL MAKE YOUR PATHS STRAIGHT (what a wonderful promise!).
It's a painful learning experience, but thank God, I think it's really worth it, just in time for the next phase of my life. Onwards for Jesus Christ!
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