Just finished praying to Daddy just now. Wow... so refreshed, how I really, really needed that time of prayer.

As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?

Actually, spent a long time just thinking and reflecting. But very touched, because I sensed that God was just waiting patiently, listening, waiting for me to think things through and process them.

I apologised to Him, saying sorry for being so quiet. But I think He said it's ok, don't worry. "Be still and know that I am God." And I remembered, after reading Shuyi's latest blog entry, that He accepts my melancholic nature, and even though the phlegmatic side of me means that I tend to take a very long time to start sharing my thoughts freely with Him, He still waits there patiently.

In fact, I think He actually enjoys my company! :)

One thing that was weighing quite a bit on my mind was the question whether I had done enough for Him in this NUS ministry. "God knows that I have done so little for Him." I was thinking about whether I had helped make people feel cared for, loved, etc... in part, due to the fact that I only got a very few Christmas cards this year from my bros and sisters.

So I thought about it, wondering if I had to work harder next time, and was I being an effective servant of Christ? Jesus knows I have so many weaknesses, especially in building close friendships... so felt guilty and down about that. And did I make any impact on the lives of those around me this semester? An aching, unanswered question.

But memories of Yufen's conversation with me at S11 where she had encouraged me about my value in God's eyes, regardless of titles or roles or number of sheep, came back to mind. And Jesus Himself reminded me from the passage about Him being the vine, and I'm just a branch - He is the One who impacts people through me. I'm NOT the one who impact people - HE is the one who will do the impacting.

Just like a sword can't cut through anything on its own, neither can I do so. But a sword, even a poor broken one, in the hand of a great swordmaster, is a lethal and mighty weapon, capable of scything through entire ranks and battles.

And I'm so thankful that I have done my best, by the grace of God, and poured myself out like a drink offering. I've really spilled every inch of my energy and heart into serving God in this ministry, and I know that He will reward me for whatever good I have done, by His mercy and grace.

And I know that all this, including my redemption and that precious day when I decided to turn back to Him, is all because of Him. I now know I REALLY cannot do anything good or effective apart from Him at all, not the least jot, not the tiniest iota. But when I remain in Him, spending time with Him in prayer, seeking His very face, His heart, and loving Him and meditating on His precious words...

Somehow, somehow, mysteriously, wonderfully, I find that He moves me like a chess piece, He moves and compels my spirit and heart... He fills me with His love... I really cannot do anything apart from Him, but in Him I can do EVERYTHING!



To be honest, I find it difficult still to draw near to Him at times, especially when I'm hungry for human company, for fellowship, and doing my work... I find that I keep going astray.

And oh yeah, I don't like the fact that I'm still so introspective and self-centred. I know that this blog of mine has a lot of my own ramblings and thoughts, and I wish I was more outwards-looking. But I have faith that I will not remain the same in this area all my life - as I pray to God regarding this area of my life, He will transform me more and more.

Because I've just finished reading Matthew 26-28, and I'm so awestruck by Jesus' crucifixion and resurrection - and His Great Commission... and His assurance that "And surely I am with you always, to the end of the age." Wow...

So in conclusion, I feel really revitalised and renewed in heart and mind. How precious is God's Word! How wonderful His Spirit! How sweet the sound of His grace to me! :) I think He's renewing and giving me fresh hope and faith to face towards the unknown future, and making my heart fill up again with His love that I so desperately need. =)

Yup, yup!