Was ranting to God on my way back - "God, why did You make me like this? Why am I so emotional? Why do I feel so tired, etc., become so confused? Why can't I control my thoughts and emotions when I'm tired, etc.? Why do I have this weakness?" I thought about people who tell me that I need to control... yes... I know. I wish you were me. I try my best... and frankly, I feel alone in this struggle to direct my thoughts and attention. On a good day, when I'm well-rested, it's much, much easier to do so. But on a day when I don't have enough sleep and am frustrated in trying to solve a problem e.g. work, ministry, etc. - don't talk to me, don't come near me!
Felt very discouraged and dismayed again. "Of all things", I asked God, "why must I have this ******** weakness?"
Then somehow this story of a father and his son came to my mind. This small boy was having a very bad day, in a very grouchy and unhappy mood. He was ranting to his dad, and his dad was patiently listening to him rant. And then the dad took up his son, carried him in his arms and whispered, "Hush, hush... my son."
And this verse came to mind immediately after that story:
"The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."
I felt very touched, and somehow, I felt that God was speaking to me through that story and verse... that He was reminding me that He already knows my weaknesses... that I'm very grouchy and easily disoriented and confused without sleep (and especially so, when I go into the working world - I WILL be tested heavily in this area)... and when I come face-to-face with situations that directly test my weaknesses, that's the moment when He will take me up into His arms, and whisper, "Hush hush..." to me.
He carries me when I have no more strength to carry on.
Deuteronomy 33:27
The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms.
*******
In fact, that's what the Bible has been saying all along, both in the Old Testament and the New Testament... that cursed is the one who depends on flesh for his own strength... but blessed is the one who depends on the LORD his God for strength. That's the way the Kingdom of God works - look to God for His strength to grow into the person that - not I - but He wants me to be.
I know that, by myself, I can't be an emotionally stable person on my own. But in Christ, as I pray to Him daily... I have faith, that in one way or another, He will transform me into the man that He wants me to be. Somehow, some way, He'll do it. But I just need to keep my eyes fixed on Him, the Author and Perfecter of my faith. And to keep running on.
I guess, that's what you might call a marathon day - days when you feel like you're running a marathon in the middle, and you're not smiling anymore and feeling like kicking the guy in front of you AND behind you... yup, just press on, take a look at Jesus and all His saints and angels cheering you on, and feel the joy come back into your heart, mind and legs.
:) Keep running for Jesus! :D
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