Thank God for the time with Peter today. :) For the guitar playing. And also... for something else he asked me.

I found out that I'm still the same in handling my emotions. Still very panicky and anxious.

"How can you lead ... next time if you keep on being so anxious? How will you be able to be a good husband, a good father next time?"

Also, my emotions cloud my mental judgment, causing me to have unrealistic expectations and superimpose these expectations onto my friendships, causing hurt, damage and alienation in the process. And after the damage is done, I start wallowing in worldly sorrow.

*Sombre thoughts*

So Peter asked me to think about how I can make plans to grow in this area. And something touching too, he asked how he can help me train up in staying calm under pressure.

Actually, the situations that I become very panicky is when I sense that someone is angry or frustrated or irritated with me. Then I start worrying what the other person thinks of me. Feel that he/she is judging me.

"Ah! That was the same back in NUS... How have you progressed [in your life] since 2 years ago?"

A long pause.

Told him I need to go back and think about it.

*******

Spent a few hours reading my Bible and praying. Thank Jesus so much. :) It was a very good time being with Him. It's amazing - I was sick, but still felt more and more healthy when I was praying in the Spirit. Reminded of Moses fasting for 40 days without water some more, when he was in the LORD's presence.

And I prayed, besides other prayers, asking God to help me grow in emotional maturity. 'Cos realise that actually I can think reasonably well... if I do not get overwhelmed by anxiety.

And also being controlled by my emotions is a self-destructive path. Honestly. Read the book of Judges, and something that I saw was how Gideon, Jepthah and Samson... they all had fears, and even though God used them mightily, they still had emotional outbursts. Especially Samson. How childish he was.

And looking at their lives, it was like a mirror to my own life. It doesn't matter how great my talents or skills or knowledge are - if I don't stay close to Jesus, let His Holy Spirit dwell deeper in my heart, if I do not take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ...

Then this little emotional outburst here and there will be a deadly tumour that will wreak havoc in my relationships - both with God and with people.

But I was reluctant to surrender my feelings to God. Asked Him why so? Didn't You create us to have emotions? Isn't this about being real?

And He reminded me from His Word that He really is full of emotions. After all, wasn't Jesus filled with compassion for the sick? Wasn't He filled with surprise at the Roman officer's faith? Wasn't He filled with joy when He saw the Father's work at hand? Wasn't He filled with agony when He was crucified?

But one thing... He was never controlled by His emotions. Rather, emotions are to follow the truth. He was delighted when He saw the Father's will being done.

So that made me think. Not only being sombre and self-controlled... to the point of being emotion-less. "Rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn."

Am I filled with joy when I see people believe in Jesus?
Am I filled with anger when I see injustices fill the news daily?
Am I filled with peace when there are difficult times?
Am I filled with confidence when it comes to doing what God has commanded me to do?
Am I filled with cheer when the situation seem discouraging?
Am I filled with zeal when I obey the truth?
Am I filled with compassion for the lost, hurt and sick?

God knows my heart is so lacking in emotions when it comes to the truth, but when it comes to my own desires, suddenly my emotions jump up! Hmm! Cannot! Must reverse this pattern!

=)