Responsibilities

Been thinking about this. HQ and Peter talked with me about this separately and independently of each other within the space of one week - so believe God really wants to speak to me about this through these two godly brothers. Especially when there's still time for me to grow. :) He's so good to me.

This was a difficult one to see in myself, because it had to be identified through intensive introspection and self-examination. Really very thankful for HQ's constant 'poking and prodding' me, asking me questions to ask myself what made me not do the things I know I should do - even though I was very frustrated at one point. Hee, I know it wasn't easy for him, but he said his own shepherd 'poked' him too a lot of times, and he grew because of that.

Reason he asked me so many questions was because I didn't flag the bus down as it approached, because I assumed others were going to flag it down. A small issue, but it was symptomatic of something deeper. And this isn't the only time I do very small things like that - but thank God for His help, that he helped HQ see that there was an underlying cause to this habit.

So the tentative diagnosis is possibly because I'm lazy, not wanting to take up basic responsibilities for myself, preferring others to do it. Probably I'm so lazy I don't even lift up my own arm, preferring others to do it. Maybe. Or maybe it's something else. I don't know, but God knows... but He's not telling me yet. I think He wants me to think and reflect for myself deeper - a responsibility that He well expects me to do so. ("Awww... Lord, not again? do i have to think so much? ok lah ok lah...")

But yeah. If it's true... and I think it might be true... but I sense that there are probably other underlying issues too. Still... the Lord will not leave me alone - He will send His Holy Spirit to guide me into all truth. And for that thank You so much my Lord Jesus, my Teacher and Counsellor.

So. About responsibilities. Think it's true that I'm afraid of responsibilities. And maybe also because I haven't learnt to see things given to me as responsibilities. Big things, yes, but small things, no. But I saw it in other people that I wouldn't trust another person to be faithful with big things if he/she can't even take care of simple things like an IC, or a handphone - once is ok, twice is hmm... thrice is too many already. Fourth, fifth, etc... is time for a scolding.

And I realised that I am guilty of the same thing too.

And I just see tasks as things to clear - about as fun as root-canal surgery.

And also a variety of other things. But I need to grow. To be responsible for my own life first. 'Cos if I can't handle my own life, then how about next time, my family?

Feel ashamed, that others should be growing so much more than me, but I still haven't grown in handling responsibilities.

But I shall not make excuses here. Despite my poor start due to past experiences, yet, God has been so good to me - He has made my life journey very smooth and well-taken care of. But now it's really time. And I shall not be ashamed, though I keep feeling that the whole world is mocking me, and even though I feel very often that others, even my own brothers and sisters, think very lowly of me. Even if that is true, and even when that is true, I remember that God thinks much better of me than I do. And He thinks even better of me than others can do. Not to disparage others... on the contrary, He has been encouraging me through dear fellow Christians, e.g. my CL and shepherd.

Still feel very ashamed of myself, yet I chose to pick myself up, get up and look at Jesus' shining face. To be honest, I feel a lot of shame even now as I think of other people's past comments - including one particular brother's past comments - and I know the pain is there. Feel ashamed also even to be sharing this and writing this down, because I know that people will see how weak I am -

"But I am a worm and not a man,
scorned by men and despised by the people."
Psalm 22:6

- and if you were to tell me to talk positively, think positively... it is rather difficult, when one looks at my personal track record. I don't trust myself to be a responsible person, neither do I trust myself to be a leader even, let alone a good one. In short, I am a worm and not a man.

And I feel angry with my own family too, to be honest, and want to shout, "That's it! No more Mr. Nice Guy!" And I blame them for molly-coddling me, being like this and that. And I conveniently forget the good things my parents have done for me. I know my mum's very protective of me, and honestly, I've been telling her very bluntly that I can take care of myself - a response of frustration, in part, to my own self. (Though I haven't told her directly not to be so protective of me.) I don't want to be a mummy's boy. I want to be a man of God. :)

And I get snide remarks from my sister saying that I'm becoming very proud, especially when I scold her. I think about it, and I ponder about the validity of it. I think it's true to a small extent, but she needs to be scolded soundly anyway. And I've made the decision to scold her properly, especially for her own irreponsibility, because actually, it's for my own sake to grow in responsibility too. And I really need God's grace here as I stumble and fail along the way.

I find it hard to shake off responsibilities that should rightfully belong to others, and find it hard to say no. And I'd rather that others assign responsibilities to me instead of my own recognizing what responsibilities that I need to fulfill - be it spiritual, emotional, mental, or even physical. I guess I'm very comfortable with others making the decisions for me - but is that what God really wants for me?

Well, it's been a pretty raw sharing from the heart, I guess, and frankly, this is the real me. And I'm afraid in the heart that people will think poorly of me for that. Well, I don't care. Not that much, at least. Hee. I've made the decision not to care what others think of me so much as what God thinks of me. And to these people who will judge me, I simply say:

"Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful. I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself. My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts. At that time each will receive his praise from God." 1 Cor 4:2-5

And I want that passage to be my heart's attitude - fear no one but God Himself! Love Him more than my loved ones - more than myself even!

*******
Hee. After thinking some more about how I feel, well, think that's enough thinking about how I feel. I should be spending more of my brainpower on thinking about what are the root causes, and learning to grow in responsibilities, and the rest of my life and all its worries, give them all to Jesus. For His yoke is easy and His burden is light. (Thanks HQ for praying this verse for me when you did.)

And I'm looking forward to this new challenge, to grow in maturity some more, because it is not about me, but what Christ can do in me. I look forward to changing and growing, because I want to bring glory to Jesus - only He can change me into the person that He wants me to be. And when I am tempted to think that I am a useless good-for-nothing, I will remember that with God, nothing is impossible, and He will defend me against all those who look down on me. Because, in the end, it was never about me at all, but it is all about JESUS.

I'm really scared, but He is with me, and He can work powerfully through my weaknesses and disabilities. So I WILL NOT BE AFRAID OF WHAT OTHERS WILL THINK OF ME! Because God is truly for me and not against me - and I've made the decision to believe His promises in the Bible! Amen and Hallelujah! Today is the Day of Transformation - every today He is with us! Amen and Hallelujah! :)

God above all the world in motion
God above all my hopes and fears
And I don't care what the world throws at me now
I'm gonna be alright
Hear the sound of the generations
Making loud our freedom song
All in all that the world would know Your name
It's gonna be alright
Cause I know my God saved the day
And I know His word never fails
And I know my God made a way for me
Salvation is here
Salvation is here
Salvation is here and He lives in me
Salvation is here
Salvation that died just to set me free
Salvation is here
Salvation is here and He lives in me
Salvation is here
Cause You are alive and You live in me