Daze

I think work's been passing by quickly. And it's quite ok, settling down. But gee, I long for fellowship with the other bros and sisters, even if it's just an SMS or reading their blogs (so all ye who haven't updated thy blogs... repent! haha).

Anyway, am just feeling rather melancholic at the moment. Had a good lunch with my colleagues, but yeah, I wish I wasn't so quiet at times. Actually, hee, I am quiet at times in church too, even, and honestly, I keep thinking that isn't a good thing.

But am I conforming to other people's expectations of me, or am I conforming to what God wants to see me be?

I remember how I used to play the class clown back in secondary school and JC, because I wanted to make people laugh. Honestly, I do enjoy that, but also I think it was partly because of insecurity. Hmm. Come to think of it - I'm comparing myself to the others when it comes to making jokes - I don't know where in the world they get all the good jokes from. :P Haha...

But real friendships are never built upon a joke. And I know my strengths - listening and sincerity and loyalty. As HH told me before, your strength isn't in joking... it's in your sincerity. So maybe it's because I'm too impatient to build relationships with others that I see humour simply as a bridge to build surface relationships.

Surface relationships. Hmm. Somehow I have this view that it's important to connect with people. Hey, yah, it IS true - before you can go deeper in friendships, you have to connect first. Took this test before, and found out that by nature, I'm an ultra-reserved person - I don't disclose very much about myself - which is important to building deeper relationships. One can talk a lot about himself, but not a lot about what is in himself.

But thank God for Peter and Ruey Fong who helped encourage me to open up more. :)

A lot of thoughts swirling around in my mind. That, and the desire to reach out, share more of Christ's love to those around me... feeling a bit... discouraged? because I keep seeing this task as beyond my personality, calling for better qualified people instead. And I hear many discouraging voices telling me that I can't do it - there's always someone better than me.

But, God's Word then speaks to me:

We demolish arguments and every pretension
that sets itself up against the knowledge of God,
and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
2 Corinthians 10:5

And I remember that what really counts in His eyes is obedience that comes from faith. And that the righteous shall live by faith. It's a dare, it's a dream - and I shall probably fall flat down and be defeated. So be it. But if my God is for me, who can be against me? :)