No More Autopilot.

Talked with Peter today regarding what Sharon asked me yesterday. To summarise...

I've a lot of little foibles that may be very small in themselves, but put together - lots of little pepper grains make one big irritant. And it's been that way for eons.

And ... hmm. I think I am finally seeing the value of changing, or in Peter's words, "detraining" myself from this habit of going on 'autopilot' aka situationally unaware / indecisive / ultra-passive.

Because it irritates others. Small things, to be sure, but they all add up to become very emotionally draining. Have you tried relating with someone who's very lost in his/her own world? It's super-draining. I know... I've done that too, and it really drains the spirit. And I'm like that too.

But, in any case, the key thing is that it's emotionally draining on others, because they don't want to struggle with anger and impatience.

Asked Peter whether I have grown in this area. He said: "A teensy-weensy bit. At least you've grown much more real." Thank God for that. Valid statement from Peter, 'cos he's known me for a long time already.

*******
Mulling over this feedback, I became very angry. Angry not with Peter, but angry with God. Asked Him why did He make me like this? And why did He place me in this family, where my family members are also... like that?

Felt very angry with Him - "After all these years, I've been trying so hard to change, praying to You for help, and... I'm still like this? WHY?

... I know in all things You work for our good... but WHY?

... I know this life experience can be used by You... but WHY? WHY? WHY? I want to know why did You put me through this experience?"

Meanwhile, Peter took out his PDA and tapped to Philippians 1:12. Quietly, he showed me this:
"Now I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel."

Mmm. God answered. Now it's my turn to respond.

*******
It's been a very colourful time indeed. Seeing my sins and faults in clearer and clearer colours. Scarlet they are indeed. But He died to redeem me from sin's slavery.

"Though your sins be as scarlet, yet will they be as white as wool."

Felt overwhelmed at the beginning, but thank God for His help all the way. Sorted out my thoughts and understood why I was so overwhelmed. Actually, just take one step at a time, and work on this tendency to go for a 'space-walk'.

Well, no more autopilot... :) bear with me yeah?

*******
Then read Psalm 139. It spoke to everything of my fears. Despite my feeling of worthlessness and uselessness, because of me being an irritation... God made me, and He knitted me in my mum's womb. He made me with much, much potential, and He is more eager than I am to see me grow. =)

And the last verse in Psalm 139 really encouraged me. "See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

Just a lot of things to think about, but gee, that's the danger. Of going into 'autopilot' mode again.

Tired. Jesus, hold my hand. Hold me close, Son of God. And make me whole.