Just finished praying and reading my Bible. Think some things that were on my mind: how I really need to spend time in Your presence, and also feel terrible, low and inadequate, yet Your good Word has reminded me that it is about Your strength. To turn my eyes away from myself and look to You, Jesus.

Still, I must confess Lord, I feel so inadequate, and I wonder, have You forgotten me? Have You forsaken me? When I read about men full of the Spirit and wisdom, I wonder, what about me? Am I full of the Spirit and of wisdom? Oh dear... I feel I really am not. Then how can You use me?

And I think that is a man's deepest cry - not emotional intimacy, but the desire to be useful, to be used for a purpose much, much higher than himself.

And I remember Peter's words: God has not stopped believing in you. And if You believe in me, You will continue to mould and shape me. Yet I feel I am like those left in the dust, bound in the miry clay.

Oh dear, Lord, how? I wonder even now... i feel totally emasculated, hardly a man - a worm is more like it!

Will You use me Lord? And how... I wonder, will You be able to use me?

I need to be consecrated to You... have I been doing so?

And my conscience testifies as best as it can, that yes, my heart is set apart for You... still... You know me better than my own conscience. I can't see clearly at the moment what You are doing in my life, but I'm grateful for the times of testing and questioning, because I am learning new truths about myself, about my sheer ugliness and weakness... and yet You chose to use me. Like how You used me in uni ministry, tho I am less than the least of all God's people. It was not in the "normal" way I would have expected, and yet You still used me to influence and encourage many people. Lord, You are far wiser than I am. And so we must be bold! to be servants of God's grace! I remember the prophecy that I spoke last unit 242... that was not just for the others... that was also for me too.

o God of Jacob, be with us... let us be a generation that seeks, that seeks Your face, O God of Jacob.