Was feeling insecure and rather sad because not many ppl wld be coming to my convo, for various reasons. Tried reminding myself i'm not that impt, "Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought to..." but still couldn't help feeling sad.

Tried counting my blessings and thanking God for the ppl who were coming after all, esp my parents, but still felt sad. And esp for my dear friends who wanted to come, but couldn't make it. It's the HEART to come that is so much more touching...

Prayed, and tried committing my anxiety to God. Still worried and not settled in the heart.

Was thinking whether it's because I haven't invested in others... I reap what I sow after all... but also thinking about times that I tried so hard but the other person didn't want to respond... and thinking about times that I didn't even try very much, but the other person initiates and responds so well...

So perhaps it's really nothing that much to do with my personal efforts. And as for personality... what can be done? I am what I am, by the grace of God, and He gave me certain traits... though yes, there

There is this advice about balancing expectations. Very good advice... but to be honest, this advice can't meet my heart's emotional needs...

Psalm 73:16
"When I tried to understand all this,
it was oppressive to me..."

Until I managed to find a quiet place and just read His Word, and... finally understand why everything is why they are. Then was my heart truly settled and peace filled my heart.

"...till I entered the sanctuary of God;
then I understood their final destiny."

In another context the Psalmist was writing about evil people who seem to escape God and prosper. But think in this context, this verse helped me understand that sometimes I can't understand everything, especially the whole end purpose of this until I enter His holy presence with my heart.

As I was reading Proverbs 16, felt these verses quickened in my heart:
1 To man belong the plans of the heart,
but from the LORD comes the reply of the tongue.
3 Commit to the LORD whatever you do,
and your plans will succeed.
9 In his heart a man plans his course,
but the LORD determines his steps.

And I think the HS told me that He wants me to spend quality time with my parents who took time off to come down and be with me. He corrected my selfish attitude of wanting just to be with my friends... but how about my parents? And He encouraged me that this time is a very special time for them too, and that I can take this opportunity to know their pasts better, and to share with them my dreams, etc... especially dreams for God.

In short, all these turns of events, my heavenly Daddy reminded me, were actually part of His perfect plan.

Wow. My heart felt at peace when He spoke to me through these verses. I wanted this, but God wanted that. And His desires are always good and perfect.

I plan this, but He plans that - and He says to me, "I know what I am doing. Trust Me on this, son."

********
And there was an additional insight to this:
I realised that my true plans are found in my heart. I may not be the kind of person who writes out his plans on paper, but I realised that I DO have plans. Last time I did a 5-years plan, but things all happened so differently from what I had written out - and I think, to be honest, more wonderful, by God's grace, than what I had planned in the past.

Perhaps it's because I wrote down a politically-correct... or rather, a "spiritually-correct" plan, instead of writing down what was really in my heart. And I should really tell God my true heart's plans, because I know I can trust Him to modify the course of my plans wisely.

Think that's the revelation I had today.

So... some of my heart's plans are this:
1. Go for one short-term missions trip this year or next year. I really want to see the outside world, especially in the context of close, committed and like-minded fellow co-workers.

2. Plan for my future marriage. To be honest, I really desire to find a sister who is like-minded, having the same vision, values and convictions... I think I may have found the right one, but I really am not sure, so have been praying to God to show me if she's the one that He has in mind for me. But one desire I have is that our relationship will really bring joy to God and to the people around us. Like how Huaqiang and Sarah's relationship really brings joy... we can see how their combined strengths and love for one another really amplifies their strengths and effectiveness... I just sense God's pleasure upon them! :D

3. Plan to rise up in my career path as a team leader. Because I not only want to shine in the workplace, I want to practise and sharpen my skills, especially in the art of leadership, so that I can initiate effectively and efficiently more advances in both the adults and children's ministries.

4. Plan to get going properly in HopeKids ministry. Somehow I've been going very slowly in this area, and I'm praying to God to increase my heart's burden and zeal and love for the children... and to know what to do and where to go. It's not only about doing... it's about doing effectively - that is, it accomplishes God's purposes.

"In his heart a man plans his course,
but the LORD determines his steps."

Just feel so loved by God when I see how He determines my steps.
Just feel so loved by You when I see how You determine my steps.

"You're the One Who made the heavens
You're the One Who shaped the earth
You're the One Who formed my heart long before
my birth

I believe You'll always lead me
All my days have been ordained
All Your thoughts toward me are holy,
Full of love and grace...

You are the One, You are holy,
You are the One, You are worthy
You are the One, You are the One, everlasting"

And with that, Father, into Your hands I commit my spirit. In Jesus' name, amen. :)