a very long letter to God

Writing this down, because want to remember this time: :) Don't feel obliged to read it - it's just for myself.

Dear Lord,

Really thanks so much for the wonderful time together just now. :) And for diagnosing so precisely why I was feeling so... sian and down and insecure in my heart today.

Because You know that I'm feeling very weak inside. Weak in taking care of the brother I'm helping take care of, weak in wisdom - why do I do so many stupid things?, weak in strength - in obeying You Lord. weak in faith, weak in love, weak in war, weak in work, weak in play, weak in character, weak in hope, weak in Your Word.

I admire those whose faith are strong in God, and exude this inner strength, this joy and peace that radiates from their countenances. I envy those who have much wisdom and are mature in everything they do.

Ironic! Even in my desire to be good, I end up envying and comparing myself with others, taking pride in my own strength, and not looking up to You.

Met You just now in prayer. How I miss those precious times. But looking out into the night sky, I remember that I just felt so helpless, so limited in my strength, even though I've heard today's sermon on You being our Commander. But I felt more like a crazy lamb than a ... charging ram. :)

But I'm so grateful to You God, for just accepting me the way I am. "Be still, and know that I am God." That was the verse that came to my mind as I looked out into the night sky, and remembered those days of love as we sat together, You and me. And I really hungered for those days.

So just sat, and was still in Your presence. And I really felt Your presence so gentle... I know, I'm ashamed of myself, I'm thinking of myself so much like a lamb, instead of being "more than a conqueror". I'm ashamed of my phlegmatic part of me, that I'd rather wait for others to lead instead of me - and for a good reason too!

I know that I'm not the strongest person around - on the contrary, I see myself, and I think others do see me as weak and helpless. I am the least of the people, the least of the earth, the lowliest of the scum, among those condemned to die in the arena.

"Up to this moment, we have become the scum of the earth, the refuse of the world." 1 Cor 4:13b

Yet I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that You are able to guard what I have entrusted to You for that day.

Because what Ps Jeff mentioned in today's sermon: that we Christians will ALWAYS be in the minority, but one thing for sure, even though we are in the minority, we can impact the world exceedingly. 'Cos we are the salt of the earth, the light of the world. As long as there is light in a dark place, there is hope. As long as there is salt in the meat, there is flavour and freshness.

And I so do want to believe with all my heart this promise of God, that He will give us the strength and victory needed.

I'm eagerly looking to You, Lord, to increase my faith, to mature it into all its fullness. I want to learn from Guanrui's example, how he childlikely claims the promises of God in the Bible, that we are to be the head, not the tail, to shine for Jesus in whatever we do. "Now I am Jacob". That was what he messaged some of us. That simple childlike heart that accepts the full truth of our new life in Christ, whereas I stutter and stumble, afraid to tell people that I am Abraham, because I fear what they may say in return.

Oh God. I AM Abraham - he who lied and covered up to save his own skin.

But I AM Abraham - father of faith, father of many nations. I am what I am, not because I made myself the way I am, but because YOU chose me, and gave me this name. "By the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace to me was not without effect."

Help me remember to always stay on the right path, Lord Jesus. Not to veer towards self-confidence, nor to lean towards self-pity, but to have God-confidence, just like what Philippians says: "...being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion till the day of Christ Jesus."

And another thing, Lord. I was thinking again and again about the people back in the NUS ministry. But I realise I'm still not fully established in the Adults ministry. I think I'm still taking time, but thank You Lord for Your grace to me, that I'm growing closer and closer to my dear CG, with HQ, with Shawn, Peter, Sarah, Sharon and in due time the others too.

Oh God. Give me faith, and give me strength.

I whisper to You, when I am so exhausted even while taking care of the children running to and fro, "Lord, give me strength."

I whisper to You, when I am about to fall asleep listening to the sermon, "Lord, give me strength."

I whisper to You, when I feel weak, helpless and inadequate in ministering to others, in blessing others, in serving them... "Lord, give me strength."

I whisper to You, when I'm beset by my sinful nature and am going to be overrun by feelings of anger, jealousy, envy, insecurity, lust, greed, slot... and that old archnemesis, pride:

"Lord, give me strength."

And when I look back at today, I'm so amazed how You sustained me through the day, giving me the capacity to love the children dearly, even when I'm so tired, and to pray for them... to bless the dear bros and sisters, to show me grace when I fail them... when I'm feeling insecure, You have lifted me up emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually.

You really bless all those who take refuge in You. And You hear the tiniest cry of the heart, just like what David wrote in Psalm 18:

"In my distress I called to the LORD;
I cried to my God for help.
From His temple He heard my voice;
my cry came before Him, into His ears."

Wow, I imagine David floating in the midst of a stormy, raging ocean, barely hanging on to a piece of driftwood - "the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me", and in the raging roaring thunderstorm, his faint, distant cry for help barely came into the LORD's ears... so tiny, that even a dropping pin would have been a nuclear explosion compared to his plaintive little bleat.

But what happened? The Lord Almighty responded, and He thundered, smoke coming out of His nostrils, angry at the evil forces assailing his sheep. He storms, He will not be quiet, till justice is done on the earth, and righteousness and peace prevails in His name.

"O God of Power and Righteousness
O God of Power and Righteousness
O God of Power and Righteousness!
And ev'ry foe will tremble at Your name
And ev'ry foe will tremble at Your name
And ev'ry foe will tremble at Your name!"

He parted the heavens and the earth, and like the Riders of the Rohirrm, He leads the cavalry charge, mounted on His white steed, sword raised, overrunning and trampling the dark demonic forces of evil, "till ev'ry foe is vanquished, and Christ is Lord indeed."

:)

Hee, thanks for listening to all these long, long musings, Lord. :) Yup, please help me grow in listening more to Your voice.

Oh yeah. Something that struck me was that I think You've been speaking clearly to me, but Your voice very soft. On hindsight, when I look back, I realise You were speaking to me all along regarding some issues or answers or things, but I didn't stop to listen more closely, and drowned out Your good voice with my own understanding and reasonings.

And well, my reasonings turned out to be wrong, and Your voice turns out to be right.

Whoa.

And thank You Lord for this passage, I shall remember and treasure it always. And I shall claim Your promise of strength contained in this passage:

"As for God, his way is perfect;
the word of the LORD is flawless.
He is a shield
for all who take refuge in him.

For who is God besides the LORD?
And who is the Rock except our God?
It is God who arms me with strength
and makes my way perfect.

He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
he enables me to stand on the heights.
He trains my hands for battle;
my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
You give me your shield of victory,
and your right hand sustains me;
you stoop down to make me great.
You broaden the path beneath me,
so that my ankles do not turn."

Hmm. Very sleepy now. :) But thanks a dozen, dear Jesus. Really pray that You help me grow and mature in my faith and strength in You. In Your mighty name, I pray amen.