My Questions
Started comparing myself with them, and asking God whether it was a good idea to have stayed all 4 years in NUS, in Singapore. After all, wouldn't it be a good thing to have gained experience working in other countries? Or at the least, having the name of a prestigious overseas college listed on your academic record? And not just so, wouldn't these experiences make me able to connect more with other globe-trotters?
Felt so insecure. And not just in the worldly sense, but also as a Christian - felt that I'm not being a good testimony, not being credible in reaching out to the more high-flyer achievers of the world. If we university graduates are the top ten percent of the world's population, then I'm pretty much around the bottom of the top ten percent. (Irony upon irony...)
But God is so wise.
His Answer
Sensed that He was patiently listening to my insecure griping, and then asked me simply: "For what reason do you want all these achievements for, actually?"
Oh. Hmm.
Examined my heart, with His help, and He revealed to me that it's because deep down, I want these achievements to boost my self-esteem. It's not for wanting to be a credible spiritual testimony even.
And even if I had all these achievements, then what? Then this Bible verse came to mind (which pretty much answered all my questions to Him):
But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.
Then this thought came to mind:
"You don't need to be a high-flyer to win the high-flyers for Me. Come, follow Me, and I'll make you a fisher of men. And haven't I already brought high-flyers your way, and you have impacted their lives for Me? :)"
w00t! That was so encouraging... and touching. :) Thank You Jesus for Your encouragement...
And something else that I realised when trying to make sense of my experiences, why I didn't do this or that, and how it came to be that I chose to stay in Singapore out of my own free will... frankly, I think this already was the best possible path, out of all possible paths, that God had planned for me (even though humanly speaking, it doesn't seem the best). 'Cos He knew that I had a lot of serious issues in my life that needed to be fixed first, before He could send me out. E.g. pride, insecurity, selfishness, social skills and so on. And hee, I think... maybe, if I could live my life all over again, perhaps... this would be the path I'd choose again.
"He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake." How true it is. It was never so much for my own sake, but for His name's sake. Because the sooner I learn to die to myself is the sooner I learn to live.
Bigger and Bigger
After reflecting further, I think He's so cool. :) Because actually, by nature, I'm really a comfort-zone person. I love to stay in Singapore, and dislike going into new situations, and that includes overseas.
But thank God so much for this wonderful church that He's put me in... over time, after being soaked in the Great Commission (GC) and how our church really tries its best to personalise Christ's GC, I'm starting to capture the value of going overseas, to learn new cultures, new ways of life... and I find myself becoming increasingly inspired to step out of my comfort zone, to get out of the boat.
E.g. dreaming of setting up a company for a social entrepreneurship project - these two are so new to me! And capturing the vision to be salt and light in the media industry for Christ... because of that, I'm spurred on to one day go overseas to learn new skills and meet new people in the media industry... perhaps one day I shall shake hands with the "kings and governors" of the media world... to be a witness of Christ before them...
Just Dreams
All these are just dreams at the moment... but I realise that these dreams get bigger and bigger as the days go by. Then I wonder why it is so. Then I realise that as I grow older in Christ, He becomes bigger to me. And as He becomes bigger to me, so do my dreams for Him become bigger. For our God is an AWESOME GOD!
"Now to Him who is able to do far beyond all that we can ever ask or even dare to dream of... to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus, throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen!"
"Let us dare to dream such big dreams for God, that without God, they will utterly fail." Amen and hallelujah! :D
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