Tuesday, October 12, 2010

I Have An Ache

I have an ache. But it's not a backache. Or headache.

I have a heartache.

It's a heartache that comes from having a dream. Or rather... an impossible dream.

Dreams here and dreams here. But sometimes these dreams are vague and rather vapoury. I can dream about six impossible things before breakfast. Honestly. :)

But thing is, when I dream, I start thinking about the steps needed. And then I feel afraid. Feel so inadequate. It seems so impossible. So far from me - literally, sometimes. How can I ever hope to be a writer to touch the hearts of men? How can I ever hope to make a film that will touch the souls of women? How can I ever hope to make a work of art that will inspire the minds of children? How?

It just seems so beyond me. Sigh. What am I? Who am I? Can this ever be done by someone like me? I don't have the qualifications or the funding.

Disheartened and discouraged, I start filing these poor dreams into my KIV files. "Nice to have..." is the label for all our shelved dreams, our dusty dreams, our dreams with that musty mould on top, and cobwebs. Dante's slogan would be a better label for those KIV files: "Abandon hope, all ye who enter here."

But somehow, God sees me filing my dreams. He gently whispers my name. Holds my hand. He takes me into Death Valley. Shows me all the dry bones.

"Son of man, can these bones live?"

I hesitate.

"O Lord, You alone know."

Then He reminds me of what I've said before. To dream such big dreams that without Him, they will utterly fail.

"Fear not, for I am with thee. Be not dismayed, for I am thy God. I will strengthen thee and help thee. I will uphold thee with my righteous right hand."

And it strikes me. That I've not been close to God. That I've forgotten who He is. I've forgotten to draw near to Him, and be intimate with Him. The God who made the heavens and the earth - by just speaking them into being. I've forgotten His power, His might, His endless love. I've lost faith and started looking at my own inadequacies. I've become like King Saul, who looked at Goliath and lost heart. I've looked at it from my own perspective, and thought about how great I can be.

But that's not what a godly dream is about. A godly ache.

If God wants to make it pass, He will. To have faith like the Roman centurion: "Lord, just say the word and it will be done." And Jesus was astonished at the centurion's faith. And He told everyone that He had not found such great faith even in the people of Israel... it took a non-Jew, a non-Christian, to have such great faith in Jesus.

Sigh. So sorry, dear Father. I need to draw nearer... to draw back to You again. To see You, You who are invisible. Open the eyes of my heart, Lord, again. Open it to the things unseen. Make it ache. Make it groan. Make it sing and dance and burn. Make it burn with a holy fire. To blaze, Spirit, blaze.

To look to You who does the impossible... through impossible kids like me.

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