'Episodes of Thanks'

I don't know, really, how to describe all these thoughts that are in my mind, Lord. Though some of them are clear, yet they're surprisingly elusive to pin down and analyse.

But yeah, just was thinking about my general melancholy these days, and Peter asking me whether I'm disorientated at times. Thought about it, and said, maybe not.

But Lord, help me. I can't quite pin it down... think two things so far that I've isolated: self-absorption and feeling this want to receive from my CG. To be honest, I'm feeling quite tired of taking the initiative to build r/ps at the moment - and I think it's because I've been far from the Source Himself. "We love because He first loved us." Feeling guilty because of this, and think I really need some grace, somehow, somewhere.

Self-absorption... I can recognize it in others quite well now, probably because I've learnt to recognize it in myself too. Think it's the stress that I experience due to the different culture that I'm experiencing, a cultural transition of sorts. No longer do we have the light-heartedness and the informalness of student life... people who are on the same platform - if not spiritually, at least socially and mentally. But now each one of us has his/her own burdens to carry, and tiredness is a fact of life whether you like it or not. And the social part, I'm still adjusting... maybe it's the 'expectations' that I put on myself, comparing myself to the rest of the other brothers, to see how I should conduct and carry myself in order to look more mature.

Yes, haha, this was the situation that Peter told me a few months ago that I'd be experiencing. :) I'm glad he told me in advance... it has helped me be more prepared in advance... but the responsibility is on me to take ownership of the situation, to draw strength from God, as Dehua taught us during one of the 242s.

But thinking about maturity again... something that Sharon mentioned during lunch, when she, Joy and Sarah shared their thanksgiving points regarding the Breakthrough campaign since 2005... she shared about how God helped her grow in her thought life, even when she didn't realise it. :) This verse that she shared spoke to me a lot - because I think it's the same thing that I'm also seeking to grow in at the moment: "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me." (1 Cor 13:11) To grow less childish, and more childlike - that's my heart's desire now :)

I guess even though I'm naturally a quiet person (me being naturally melancholic and so on), I feel very tense at times when there's a large group with silence in the atmosphere... perhaps it's because I impose this expectation on myself that I should help to lighten up the atmosphere, and not like everyone become so self-absorbed (at least, that's how I see it.)

But thinking deeper, perhaps that's because in a way, I guess it's a "Hope" thing to be outgoing, to take the initiative... you know, to welcome people and so on... and if you explain it well enough, it can even be seen as the "biblical" thing to DO. But think I captured the form at that time, and turned it into a habit, without understanding the true principle behind speaking up... principle of meeting people's needs, to help them feel welcome / encouraged / cheered or comforted. To each situation, there is a different response, a different set of appropriate words to be said. And perhaps sometimes the best thing truly to say is nothing at all.

Oh, the babit of exercising a principle, rather than the habit of exercising an action.

I'm still learning, and making plenty of mistakes along the way haha. Like how I tend to stick to certain people (like my shepherd or more familar friends) like chewing gum if I'm feeling tense and inadequate on the inside... as my shepherd will know very well. :)

Sigh. I feel weary on the inside, actually, but hee, I always recall with joy the time I sought Jesus face to face, and He heard my cry and lifted me from the mucky pit of despair. :) So I now know that I'm not powerless to break out of this cycle, because everytime I seek Jesus, the chains get broken one by one, the veil is taken away. :)

I'll just share this passage... please do read it in full! :)
"Even to this day when Moses is read, a veil covers their heart. But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." (2 Corinthians 3:16-18)

*******
So how shall I reconcile all these difficulties and challenges, and my phase of melancholy, with the sermon that I heard today?

1 Chronicles 16:7-13 tells us to praise God, to thank Him for the wonderful things He has done for us. Sometimes to just simply praise God, for who He is... just to praise Him! Hee... how timely, because Peter suggested to me that one thing I could aim to grow in this year would be to grow in becoming less melancholic. :) Hee, didn't really stop to think about that before, but now, that I stop to think about it, it's true... while melancholics have their strengths, one of their greatest weaknesses is, well, being melancholic and prone to negative thoughts and low self-esteem and insecurity and touchy and being highly critical and being self-absorbed and constantly finding fault with themselves... (oops... was someone becoming mel again? ;D)

Hee. Thank You Lord. =) You really have done wonderful things that touch my heart, and I constantly remember how super-faithful You have been to us, to my church family... how You have done so many signs and wonders, and how You led us through the desert, even though Your footprints were not seen... And thank You also for giving me the opportunity to taste the sweet joy of transformation, of life change after so many years of stagnation... truly, amazing grace! how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost, but now am found, was blind but now I see. :)

And yes, I also want to thank You for this precious verse from the sermon passage that keeps ringing in my mind: "Look to the LORD and His strength; seek His face always." :) It's so super-precious, this verse.

Thank You for also putting me in this CG... though it's not one of the easiest CGs that I have been in, the people are still wonderful nevertheless, and hee, I remember that I've been in far more difficult CGs before... LOL, so knowing that You are faithful, and You have placed me in a role and position to both be influenced, and to influence my dear brothers and sisters. To be honest, I still struggle a lot with feelings of inadequacy, that makes me reluctant to take stronger ownership of my life, preferring instead to be led by others. But instead, You see a lot of deep untapped potential in my life, and that is why You send me godly men of God (no less!) to exhort, to challenge and to push me to live lives worthy of God. Because You really believe in me. You believe that I can actually grow into a wise man, and lead others to You and for You in future! :D Thank You for believing in me, Lord... even though I am less than the least of all Your servants, Father.

Thank You especially for Peter, for Huaqiang and for Dehua, whom You have placed over me to help me grow. Of these three men of God, I'm very reminded of 1 Thessalonians that describe their hearts for me, and for many, many others: "For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children, encouraging, comforting and urging you to live lives worthy of God, who calls you into his kingdom and glory." (1 Thess 2:11-12)

Daddy, You know what? :) I just realised something. When I started giving thanks to You... somehow I realised that You didn't just give me the assurance that I was doing something good in Your eyes. You also took my melancholy and turned it into joy. :) I just feel so much more contented and peaceful in my heart now, and not only that, I'm also much more encouraged, not because I tried to encourage myself, but when I started thanking You even though I found it very hard to do so, I started looking up to You, and realising just how good, how great, how wonderful, how beautiful, how powerful, how mighty, how holy, how righteous, how humble, how strong, how sweet, how gentle, how just, how amazing, how wise... You really are! :)

Jesus, Beautiful Saviour,
God of all Majesty,
The Risen King,

Lamb of God,
Holy and Righteous,
Blessed Redeemer,
Bright Morning Star

All the heavens shout your praise,
All creation bow to worship you

How wonderful, how beautiful,
Name above every name, exalted high
How wonderful, how beautiful,
Jesus your name, Name above every name, Jesus

Hee, thanks so much Lord, please help me grow more and more in a positive spirit, Lord, to seize the opportunity to believe Your promises and act upon them... that You said that we'll be the head, not the tail, in whatever we do... thank You so much for blessing my church, Lord, that You enabled us to breakthrough, to pay off a 10 million dollars debt... Lord, without You, and without all the wonderful brothers and sisters who gave, no matter how difficult it was, willingly and sincerely... we simply could not have done it! :D Lord, like what the brother during service testimony shared, for Yours is the Kingdom, the power and the glory forever! :D aMeN!