Be With Me

Just some thoughts from my journal:

*******

Staying awake on my bed, thinking about the meaning and significance of life, including my life too. :) I was thinking about work, my life's work, after reading John 4, where Jesus said, "My food is to do the will of Him who sent me, and to finish His work."

And so on.

And perhaps that explains the ache of disappointment in my heart that I feel from time to time, Lord. Somehow I keep feeling that I'm not enough, I'm inadequate.

And You remind me so gently, "That's right, my dear child. That's right. That's why I'm here for you, and for anyone else who will call on Me in truth."

Still, I want to ask You how can I be more effective for You? More useful?

And I guess, even though You've given me the gift of encouragement, I'm just not being effective at all I think. Just feel like not writing anymore in the blog, because I think it doesn't make any difference at all.

Who cares if I write a thousand-word essay? Have I helped lift anyone's spirit lately? Have I helped bring someone back a little nearer to You today? Have I helped comfort or minister? Lord, I really don't think so. Why did You choose me? I'm confused.

People say I'm heartfelt. I think so too. But does that really matter in the end? If it didn't bring anyone closer to You in the end, did it make any difference, really?

*******
Hee. I guess I've got my finger on the pulse of the discouragement what makes people give up on their lives, to settle for second-best, to drift along in the meagre drain of existence. It is that feeling that their efforts make no difference at all.

Ah, such is the deadliness of discouragement. And how ironically funny :D that God should give the gift of encouragement to someone who is so easily discouraged. Lord, You sure are a funny God, You know that? :D

Maybe, in Henri Nouwen's words, the best healer is a wounded healer, for he can then really minister to the wounded. Just like our dear Lord Jesus. "And by His wounds we are healed."

I know I'm not anything much, and my best punches are like a ten-years old against a tank. But I'm looking to You Lord, and to Your promises. As the psalmist said, "How great are Your promises, which You have stored up for those who fear You."

*******

Ah. There's so much growing up to do now, at this present moment in time. Away from the safe confinements of student life, with its stable forms and frameworks, to the complex situations of working life, where you'll need to muster up all the principles that you've learnt... simple forms and frameworks don't hold anymore in the complex situations that you meet in the "real" world^*. Learning to think deeper and wiser.

Oh God. I don't understand much at this moment. But, be with me, I pray.

(*On a side-note: As if war, evil, malice, deceit, sorrow, sin, suffering, doubt, lostness and confusion were all considered the reality that ever were, is, and shall be! No, let's not believe that this is the only reality that exists. True, the difficulties that we face in this world are very real and dangerous - for He said, I am sending you out like sheep among wolves - but I do equally believe that this is not the final reality that God intends it to be. :) Just like how Puddleglum, in C.S. Lewis' "The Silver Chair", said that he believed in the sun, in Narnia and in Aslan even when he couldn't see any of these three.)

*******

I think in the end, this entry won't encourage anyone very much at this moment. But that's fine with me. :) Because it is God, our Lord Jesus, whom we all should take encouragement from. "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." AMEN!!!

But let's not forget the verse before that too: "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders, and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us."

I know one of the things that hinder me from running, from growing, is my tendency to be rash in my thinking and making decisions. My immaturity is a hindrance to me from becoming all I can be for God. But I shalln't let that stop me - on the contrary, the Bible exhorts me to throw off this sin that so easily hinders and entangles me. :D Hee, so God willing, we will finish the race that's being continually laid out before us all the way to the finish line! :D Amen! :D