"We shall morph indeed": The Hope of Transformation

These words from a book I'm reading touched me a lot, because it really echoes exactly what I've been feeling in my heart recently.

I am disappointed with myself. I am disappointed not so much with particular things I have done as with aspects of who I have become. I have a nagging sense that all is not as it should be.

...

I am disappointed that I still love God so little and sin so much. I always had the idea as a child that adults were pretty much the people they wanted to be. Yet the truth is, I am embarrassingly sinful. I am capable of dismaying amounts of jealousy if someone succeeds more visibly than I do. I am disappointed at my capacity to be small and petty. I cannot pray for very long without my mind drifting into a fantasy of angry revenge over some past slight I thought I had long since forgiven or some grandiose fantasy of achievement. I can convince people I'm busy and productive and yet waste large amounts of time watching television.

These are just some of the disappointments. I have other ones, darker ones, that I'm not ready to commit to paper. The truth is, even to write these words is a little misleading, because it makes me sound more sensitive to my fallenness than I really am. Sometimes, although I am aware of how far I fall short, it doesn't even bother me very much. And I am disappointed at my lack of disappointment.

Where does this disappointment come from? A common answer in our day is that it is a lack of self-esteem, a failure to accept oneself. That may be part of the answer, but it is not the whole of it, not by a long shot. The older and wiser answer is that the feeling of disappointment is not the problem, but a reflection of a deeper problem - my failure to be the person God had in mind when he created me. It is the "pearly ache" in my heart to be at home with the Father.

Think these words are very relevant to me, because I've been disappointed with myself. I'm even disappointed with my disappointments - I know I shouldn't be so negative and moody, yet I still am moody. In fact, I'm moody about being moody. (Win already lor...)

But thank God! He's so sweet - as I re-read some chapters, I felt renewed again, reminded that I'm not alone. After calling Peter last night, and ranting to him about my struggles with the same old things, and just moaning to him in general, he patiently listened, and then replied:

"It's a process."

Reminding me of Philippians 3, "Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal...", he gave me the analogy of a soccer player who misses a goal.

"Does he stay there on his knees, moaning? No, he gets up and tries again, and again, till the end of the match. And when the match's over, he goes for training if needed."