Earlier today, I visited my dear shepherd. Peter's doing fine, apart from itchiness. Prayed for his leg to set well. Do keep him in prayer for a quick and trouble-free recovery!
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Shared with Peter what's been going on in my life the past few weeks. And thank God for him, he gave me a lot of good advice too. E.g. adjusting my expectations in some relationships... pray to God for strength and forgiveness with regards to a certain brother...
But in particular, he had this insight... I shared with him about my feeling quite moody the past few weeks, especially after I had completed the Christmas MM, and said that I felt like I've been going back to my old ways - my old inwards-lookingness, and I was afraid of being back to my old self.
He thought about it, and said, "Perhaps it's because you'll be moving over soon, and you're feeling a loss of direction, because you've completed everything you needed to complete."
I was initially very surprised - thought it wasn't relevant at all to what I was sharing... then hey yah... thank God so much... realised it's very true!
I thought about it - think yes, the worries that I've been having - e.g. keeping in touch with the dear friends I've made in the NUs ministry... the future... what will I be doing in the ministry... what will the working adults ministry be like...
Think all these feelings can be summed up in one word: LOSS OF DIRECTION.
It's like, you're now just counting the days to your "release date", your "ORD"... just marking time.
To be honest, I don't like that feeling at all.
When I began this final semester, I resolved to keep on running to the very last moment with all my might, to keep on serving to the very, very end... to keep outreaching and enfolding and what not... till the day I leave. (I really intended to do that...)
But now, I realised, it's simply not possible.
There comes a time when you have to slow down, and give way to the younger ones. There's a time when you simply can't do anything very much more - you've already completed all that you're supposed to do... and now you're just marking time, and waiting, waiting, and waiting.
And that waiting is probably one of the hardest parts. You've got a lot of free time, and you're considering how things will turn out when the actual crossing over starts. All sorts of wild thoughts run through your mind, and you start feeling worried. (I had some dreams about the sweet old times in the NUS ministry... my dreams just felt so melancholic. So moody, so wistful, so... nostalgic.)
But very thankful for Peter's astute "diagnosis". It helped me understand better why I was feeling the way I was feeling. I didn't realise that this loss of direction would happen to me like that... it just came upon me so suddenly!
In retrospect, I should have been more prepared. I mean, I've gone through so many transitions, so many moving-overs, from JC to NS, from NS to Adults and from Adults to NUS. And now, from NUS back to Adults, albeit a very different landscape now.
Still, it always takes time to adapt: "There is...a time to plant and a time to uproot." (Ecc 3:2b) Uprooting isn't easy, but it must be done. And I know that God is faithful - He will help me plant myself into the new ministry, and find my rooting there. :)
So later on, talked with Weizhu about this. He said he understands - he's been through this phase too before. He gave me this advice:
"Be active... instead of thinking about the old group... The best way to get out of this sense of loss is to just be active... to do things instead of laying back... instead of dwelling in the fact that i'm lost."
Wow... thank God for that advice. Hee, I think I know what I need to do now. Felt the sense of loss much more manageable after Peter's and Weizhu's advice. Praise God!
Wow! I just chanced upon this verse in BibleGateway.com...
“This is what the LORD says— he who made a way through the sea, a path through the mighty waters, "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.”Isaiah 43:16, 18-19
Think Daddy's really encouraging me that He is making a way in the desert... So I shall look ahead to the Promised Land that He has promised to me, and to all who love Him, through the eyes of faith in the years to come. Daddy's so faithful and good! :D
Amen! :)
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And finally, this verse that came to my mind really, really encourages me very much. It spoke to me a LOT. Hope this encourages you too, dear friend!
Hebrews 11:8-10,13-16
By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. By faith he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents, as did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise. For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God.
All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.
Amen! :)
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