This morning, I woke up, and did my usual groggy morning routine. Then, I stumbled back to my room... when I suddenly saw The Cockroach. It skittered around nervously in the light, like a vampire caught unaware. Flicking its feelers carefully, it stayed there, flickering whether to go left or right.
Then, it decided to scoot into my direction.
Frantically, I pranced to avoid the little critter. And stubbed my little toe on a shelf.
This is roughly how my face looked after that:
I came, I saw, I stubbed.
Cockroaches are indeed harmful little creatures. So here's a great tip on how to stamp 'em out... (scroll down)
Like this!
So now I'm limping around at work today. Pain every step of the way. Haha. Somehow, I feel like Jacob who had wrestled with God the night before he met Esau. And so ever since God crippled him, Jacob limped around, with the constant reminder of God's blessing upon him every step he took.
He operated from a position of weakness.
Think, reflecting upon the past year, I think God has been showing me that He is putting me into a position of weakness. To serve, not from my comfort zone nor my area of strength even. But from a position of weakness. Where I feel so helpless and inadequate constantly... no, not feel... but rather, am!
I was confused and doubtful about this, and asked Huaqiang whether does it matter that I'm unable to serve much in my area of strength. He said no, it doesn't matter. It's ok.
But inwardly I struggled with this feeling of not being able to serve, to serve in the area of my strengths. That feeling of uselessness.
And actually that's a feeling, a need very close to a man's heart. A man often desires to be respected, to be useful, more than being loved. Even for men with relational strengths, I think often they approach relational-based ministries (aka pastoral) from a strength point of view, of what they can DO in and for a relationship.
But yeah. I was thinking about this. And limping around with my stubbed toe (it still hurts), somehow I had a renewed insight into my true spiritual condition. That I am spiritually weak. Emotionally weak. Physically weak. Mentally weak.
But yet somehow, my soul felt humbled. Touched, and longing once again for God. Perhaps God allowed me to stub my toe, so that I might remember that apart from Him I can do nothing. To be willing to serve Him from a position of weakness. So that I won't look to my own strength, but instead look to Him and His strength. Like Jacob of the Bible, I limp along, constantly reminded how frail I am, that my life is like a vapour in the wind. And how dependent I am on His grace to walk every step.
And strangely, pain can be very invigorating. It reminds me that I am alive. And that I can feel my leg. And how good rest really is. And how much I need God's love and grace and mercy every step of the way, literally.
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