I think I'm starting to see better now that it's not safe or even effective to always be yourself. Sometimes you do really need to project an image. To be all things to all men.

Not that I'm saying hypocrisy - acting as though you have something that you actually don't have. I'm just saying that it's not wise to let others see your weak points. :) Not even in the church. Unless it's those whom you know you can trust - and have the love to accept even your weak points.

What an idiot I am. I think I'm having a hard time accepting this fact of life. I want to rebel against this fact, yet... I think I have to surrender sooner or later.

I wish the Fall had never happened, that we don't have to put on fig leaves anymore. Maybe I feel bitterness about this.

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And yet, while I sit here and recant this idealism that I had in the hope that the church really is a safe place, as God wants it to be... I shall murmur nonetheless, "Eppur si muovo."

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
- Dylan Thomas

Psalm 118:8
Perhaps this happened, so that I may learn to trust in God instead of man.

But I am still disappointed, because I think we, the church, have missed God's appointment for us. Dis-appointment.