Thursday, July 3, 2008

My True Identities


Gosh, struggling with melancholy again. Still feeling a certain kind of longing inside. And considering the damage that I've done in my moments of insecurity, when I grabbed and clung.

But somehow have this feeling - maybe it's an impression from God? - that now that He's shown me this truth about myself here, He has also been actively working in my heart, enabling me to overcome, bit by bit, the insecurity in my heart. Learning to be self-controlled, learning to let go of my desires.

Like how I'm learning to be more patient in building relationships - especially those relationships that I think God wants to specially bless me with. 'Cos was observing myself, and I realised that I'm somehow learning to ... what's the word... just be myself with other people.

:) Hee. It's crazy, but as Soren Kierkegaard put it so well, "And now, with God's help, I shall become myself."

I don't have to do crazy things for others to accept me. I don't need to be so super-sweet to make others appreciate me. I don't need to be so friendly to win people over. I just need to be the Yeu Ann that Jesus wants me to be.

I guess it's full-circle here of sorts? Learning the truth about myself... and then learning to accept the truth about myself. And with God's help, learning to embrace the truth about myself, so that one day, God can work thru me to minister to others who are struggling with the same kinds of struggles that I've gone through before.

'Cos in all my years of insecurity, I found that I tend to imitate certain people I admire. (Of course, we all do.) It's just that sometimes I think I took it to extremes.

:)

Gosh. Feel paiseh to write that down! Never mind lah. You've been through that too, right? ;)

Don't know how to give any specific methods for overcoming insecurity in one's life... But I guess there's one sure way...

Walk with Him, every day of your life. Talk with Him, in the good and the strife. When you finally get it in your heart and mind that the Father loves you unconditionally, accepted you just as you are... and not just so, wants to prune and mould you fully... yeah! it's a growing process indeed.

Sorry, don't know how to put into words here already. It's a very experiential thing, having the Spirit work in your life. And the funny thing is, I feel decidedly unspiritual at times. :) But perhaps that simply shows Who is in charge... it's not my spirit, but His Spirit in me. Yeah. Don't want to be so spiritual until even the Holy Spirit himself cannot find me! :P But want to grow, even if it's slow.

:) Thank God truly.

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