Fundamental Techniques in Handling People
Principle 1: Don't criticize, condemn or complain.
Think this principle can be more precisely stated from Ephesians 4:29:
"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." (NIV)
"Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them." (NLT)
I've realised in the past few weeks that one major fault in me is that I tend to be too subjective in my appreciation many times, thus coming across as gushy. Yes, it's very sincere, no doubt, but more often than not, it doesn't go down well with others.
So I think one way I can grow in the way that I affirm others is by being more objective in stating my affirmations. Because even when I affirm, saying how much I appreciate, the problem with this kind of appreciation is that ultimately it is still self-centred - based on how the other person makes ME feel.
Thus, affirmation/appreciation that is effective and useful for building others up is specific and emphasises on the other person's character/spirit/skill... anything that helps BUILD the other person up! :) That's the key word: BUILD! Not make the person feel good and leave it at that... but BUILD him/her up!
And that's why criticism is dangerous... it tears down the person's spirit. It's like using explosives to tear down a bad house with the person still inside. And even if you got the person out first before tearing down the bad house... where would the person stay after that? Even a bad house is better than no house at all. Thus we need to help build up a good house for the person to stay in after that!
Melancholic and choleric people are especially prone to this danger of speaking words that tear down others. Thus we need extra grace in this area, and God will give us, His children who are weaker in this area, more grace and space to grow - just as it says, "But where sin increased, grace increased all the more..." (Romans 5:20-21)
Principle 2: Give honest and sincere appreciation.
The Bible abound with wise words on the importance of encouragement, and especially speaking words of appreciation. Mother Teresa once said that the greatest famine in the land is not that of food, but of love. Even in the most developed and well-fed cities, millions go to bed feeling unloved and unwanted. That is the true famine in our land, and that is why she chose to serve the 'poorest of the poor', and that is what sets her apart among the many charities and other well-intentioned volunteer organizations that we see in today's world.
Personally, I think it's REALLY false humility to feel embarrassed and reject affirmation. Admit it, isn't it true for you and me? :) When someone affirms us for a job well-done, and we know that we really did a job well-done, we Christians tend to do the following:
1. "Oh no, it's really nothing much. I didn't do a good job."
2. Wince outwardly. And let the other person see how much his/her sincere affirmation puts you off. That should pretty much solve the problem of getting any more affirmations. :)
3. Glow inwardlys, thinking how humble you are for wincing and refusing to accept praise.
Friend, you would have really missed a great opportunity to give all the glory to God. Because Jesus Himself said, "Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise Your Father in heaven."
Why not just say "thank you" and bless the other person back? Be like Jesus who would affirm those who came back to praise Him for what He did for them, saying, "Go, your faith has healed you..." Let other people see the light that is in you, till they ask why you are so different in a good way from those around you. =D
Perhaps we could follow Corrie ten Boom's childlike example... whenever people affirmed her, at the end of the day, she, an old woman, would kneel before her Father in heaven, holding out these praises that were given her that day, like a little girl giving her Daddy a bouquet of flowers, saying to Him, "Thank You Lord - these praises are for You!"
Principle 3: Arouse in the other person an eager want.
Think it can be summed up simply in three words: "Pull, don't push." If you want to lead a string, how do you do it? Push it or pull it? Think this principle can be seen very clearly in the Bible, especially in Jesus' life, where He calls people to come FOLLOW Him.
Personally, think I'm not quite there at that stage where I can pull many people - in fact I don't think I'm influential as a person at all. But I do believe that God has a wonderful calling for each and everyone of us, and He calls you and me to come follow Him. And when we choose to follow Him, our lives can't but help shine with joy, and when we're shining His light in the darkness, the moths will come sooner or later.
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