Monday, May 24, 2010

Someone said (roughly) that my blogs (public + private) seem to have a lot of laments, and testimonies of God encouraging me... but not so much of how to not fall back into these 'traps', if you know what I mean.

Was thinking about it... actually, I think one way God encourages me a lot is that He shows me things abt my character and how to get out of ruts and cycles. There are very few things as discouraging as being stuck in an endless loop / a rut and trying to get out, but you cannot, no matter how hard you've been trying.

I know... I've been through that experience, and it's nightmarish. Like those repeated, but futile trench charges in WWI, my soul has felt that many, many times. So... when I see God showing me a better way, I am ultra-encouraged - not only because I know that He cares, but also because He shows me a way.

I don't know. Maybe I'm more fascinated with the Person of God... (oh... am I overspiritualizing this?) as compared to the principles that He teaches? After all, He said that if you love Him, you will obey His teachings too.

But... a thought about it. I have indeed received good things from God, wonderful words of instructions... perhaps it's a shyness of a kind, not wanting to sound like I have learnt so much new things. As for sharing victories and triumphs... honestly, I don't know. Maybe I do prefer to boast abt my weaknesses

I guess it's always hard to be truly humble - not either raising yourself up or undermining yourself... yet seeing that even in the effort to be humble, you are still focusing on yourself. As good ol' Lewis and Ortberg put it, it's a healthy forgetfulness of yourself.

I think this blog's natural voice has always been to be surprised by wonder. Surprised as in ... that I can actually see God working in my life. That there is actually a God! - a God who loves and cares for even someone like me... a God whose face we can ... even see. And you know, when I was a little boy, I read the Bible... and i really wanted to become a Christian too. But i didn't know / understand how one can enter the kingdom of heaven... until many years later.

Maybe it's a unique perspective... but yeah, i hope i'll never stop being fascinated by God, by Jesus Christ, by him of whom it is written, "And His name shall be called Wonderful..."

Maybe another angle is that I don't feel very confident in sharing what I think I've learnt from God. But again then, I do voice my convictions very strongly at times. Hmm. You know, maybe what I learn gets internalized and then slowly processed and digested and stored up as convictions, which 'erupts' in due time - perhaps many years later.

Also I guess it's my learning style. I realise that I learn best by seeing the big picture and letting it all soak in. Osmosis. :) But it takes a long time.

Hmm. I think ... maybe it's also pride actually. I don't really like to share what I have been taught in a way... because it implies that previously I didn't know / understand / realize that truth. And it would be good if I can share testimonies of how applying God's Word helped me bear fruit in my life. But... I guess to me personally, I feel really reluctant to do so, 'cos... I think it'd make me feel self-assured as a person, which I really don't want to be.

Maybe I'll end my ramblings here with these thoughts from 2 Cor:

2 Corinthians 11:30
If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness.

2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

Not sins, but weaknesses. Weaknesses including tendencies towards certain sins (not sins in themselves but still, they are tendencies).

But! You know, one more reason: maybe because I never thought about what God might want to teach me about this in the first place. :)

Prov 14:6
"The mocker seeks wisdom and finds none, but knowledge comes easily to the discerning."

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