A Thick and Dreadful Darkness

Today, I took time to just spend time with God in prayer. And I don't know how to describe it. But I think Genesis 15:12 puts it well enough:

"As the sun was setting, Abram fell into a deep sleep, and a thick and dreadful darkness came over him."

A thick and dreadful darkness came over him.

Hmm. What I'm feeling right now is not depression, nor is it dryness. No, I really enjoy the presence of God, and I prayed long in the Spirit. But just felt a thick and dreadful darkness.

(One bro said that he was shocked to hear that I've been feeling discouragement. I was surprised. Why should one be afraid? Discouragement comes and go. But the more important thing is, will it make you crawl towards Jesus, or away? Thirst was made for water, after all.)

But now, at this present moment, it's not discouragement. It's not dryness. It's... just a thick aboding darkness that I feel in my soul.

So was praying and just unloading to God in prayer. Then... I was reminded of Genesis 15:12. About Abraham also experiencing a thick and dreadful darkness. And also recalled that Oswald Chambers had written a devotional entry on this in his classic My Utmost For His Highest. (It's a Christian classic from the early 20th century... so the English is a bit old.)

So I looked it up. And these words encouraged me the moment I set my eyes upon them.

VISION AND DARKNESS
"An horror of great darkness fell upon him." Genesis 15:12

Whenever God gives a vision to a saint, He puts him, as it were, in the shadow of His hand, and the saint's duty is to be still and listen. There is a darkness which comes from excess of light, and then is the time to listen.

Genesis 16 is an illustration of listening to good advice when it is dark instead of waiting for God to send the light. When God gives a vision and darkness follows, wait. God will make you in accordance with the vision He has given if you will wait His time. Never try and help God fulfil His word.

Abraham went through thirteen years of silence, but in those years all self-sufficiency was destroyed; there was no possibility left of relying on common-sense ways. Those years of silence were a time of discipline, not of displeasure. Never pump up joy and confidence, but stay upon God (cf. Isaiah 50:10,11).

Have I any confidence in the flesh? Or have I got beyond all confidence in myself and in men and women of God; in books and prayers and ecstasies; and is my confidence placed now in God Himself, not in His blessings? "I am the Almighty God" - El-Shaddai, the Father-Mother God. The one thing for which we are all being disciplined is to know that God is real. As soon as God becomes real, other people become shadows. Nothing that other saints do or say can ever perturb the one who is built on God.

It's very meaningful to me, because I know that God has already given me a vision, a mission, a calling. But He is not only concerned about that... He is more concerned about shaping me into a person He can truly call His friend, just like how He shaped Abraham's character and faith during the many years of his journey.

Sigh. It's not easy, this thick and dreadful darkness. But no, no, it's not what you might think it is... it's a different kind... it's the kind of darkness that Isaiah wrote about:

10 Who among you fears the LORD
and obeys the word of his servant?
Let him who walks in the dark,
who has no light,
trust in the name of the LORD
and rely on his God.

11 But now, all you who light fires
and provide yourselves with flaming torches,
go, walk in the light of your fires
and of the torches you have set ablaze.
This is what you shall receive from my hand:
You will lie down in torment.

In short, it's about growing to rely on God, even beyond the realms of common-sense reasoning, when things get dark and very hard to see. Not lighting the torches of our own reasoning when it gets dark, but trusting in the name of the LORD.

There WILL come a time when the godliest saint will have to walk through the darkest valley. But that's when you learn to really trust God and walk by faith, not by sight.

Hee! It's very fascinating actually! That I actually get the chance to go through this experience that other brothers and sisters have also gone through... to know that God's hand is really upon me. A darkness that comes because of a very special calling from God.

(ah well. i don't think most people can really identify with me here, actually. that's one problem about having a very clear calling from God...... :P not easy actually.)

Anyway, as I repeat, it's not discouragement. It's not disappointment. It's not dryness. It's... just a very unique uncertainty. I guess the same kind of darkness that Abraham experienced the evening God sealed his covenant with him. Hee! :)