Am re-reading this book. Every chapter brings fresh new tears to the eyes. Even the title alone makes me want to cry. Win already lor... Tamar last time told me that she also cried when reading this book.
There are two truths about human beings that matter deeply. We are all of us rag dolls. Flawed and wounded, broken and bent. Ever since the Fall, every member of the human race has lived on the ragged edge. Partly our raggedness is something that happens to us. Our genes may set us up for certain weaknesses. Our parents may let us down when we need them most. But that's not the whole story. We each make our own deposits into the ragged account of the human race. We choose to deceive when the truth begs to be spoken. We grumble when a little generous praise is called for. We deliberately betray when we're bound by oaths of loyalty.2008 has been a very deep year for me, especially in understanding and accepting other people, in learning how relationships work...
Like a splash of ink in a glass of water, this raggedness permeates our whole being. Our words and thoughts are never entirely free of it. We are rag dolls, all right.
There were times of great joy, and great sadnesses. Some dear friends left Hope; I witnessed a very, very bad case of fallout and bitterness by a certain Christian; God moved my heart to start shepherding another brother; I tried initiating a BGR relationship, but in the end, it didn't work out as I had hoped; I learnt to work together in a missions team (and experienced first-hand spiritual warfare, both emotional and physical); a close friendship became much less closer, but another friendship grew much deeper; a brother recently asked me to be his accountability partner; the Spirit helped me help another friend confess his struggle with a certain sin...; made friends with more and more people; the Spirit supernaturally gave me the opportunity to share my conversion testimony with my colleague; grew in covenantal friendship with Clarence, Kin Wee and the list goes on and on.
Relationships. It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. The Lord gives, the Lord takes away. Blessed be His name!
One key moment that stands most of all in my memory is Huaqiang telling me that if I expect others to show me grace, I need to show others grace too. It struck me how big the plank was in my eye. "If we only love those who love us, then we should be ashamed to call ourselves Christians!"
This year, I've seen with my own eyes the fallenness of fellow Christians - even those who are regarded by others as being godly, mature and so on. And God has also shown me my own fallenness too. I've seen pastors in their weaknesses, leaders in their weaknesses, fellow members in our weaknesses. I've come to realise that we are all of us broken and fallen creatures. I've seen a dear couple (not my mum and dad, btw) actually start arguing before my eyes. I've seen leaders disagree before my own eyes. I've seen a leader send out an angry email. I've seen bitterness and unforgivenness from a brother whom I had (unjustly) burst out in anger at. I've experienced the pain of prejudiced mindsets from certain brothers and sisters, curt words and insensitive comments from a brother and a sister, and the pain of non-communicative silence from friends whose words I had come to treasure.
And I realise that I myself am equally guilty of all these too. We are all of us broken creatures.
And yet God's love still works upon us, for us and through us. And I realise that through this year, God has been teaching me what true Christlike love really means. To bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances we may have against one another. And He showed me that no CG is ever perfect, but if we love one another, God lives in us, and His love is made complete among us.
And my eyes have been increasingly opened to see that for all the very different personalities in my CG, there is actually a unity that already is among us, that others can see. :) A unity in how we welcome visitors, and enfold. A unity to being open and sharing our lives. It is a unity deeper than that based on mere joviality and jocularity. It is a unity borne out of the Spirit, by the blood of Jesus Christ.
Not just so, God also helped me understand that I reap what I sow. I have learnt to be more sensitive, more careful and more gracious and forgiving with my words. And I realise that words are like paper money - they need the gold of actions to back them up! God helped me learn to be more forgiving and more gracious, praying for the people who had hurt me, be it intentionally (1% of the time) or unintentionally (99% haha), to be more understanding and patient, to be gentler and humbler... and to understand better why certain situations leave me very agitated and angry. With that understanding, I've learnt to control my emotions in a more mature way.
Wow. I want to laugh too - it's so funny. I struggle with patience, but God has supernaturally enabled me to be patient with the children, even when they literally step on my shoes... I did something like conflict management and counselling... God gave me the wisdom to tactfully defuse an angry scolding by a colleague (which was actually quite accurate), and how to encourage a very discouraged friend...
Hee, all this is God's redemptive work in even someone like me. :) I've been wondering if I might have the spiritual gift of pastor, since quite a few people have been saying that I have a shepherd's heart. And I so do love and enjoy caring for people haha... And for even the most difficult children, God has given me the heart and burden and ability to handle them. Whoa. Totally the work and power of the Holy Spirit...
And yet when I see Christ's love and mercy, the greatest and most perfect expression of God's love... then together with Auden's shepherds, I can only bow down and say: "O here and now our endless journey starts."
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