It's been a trying day for me emotionally. Couldn't focus on my Bible reading, and ended up ruminating on some hurts.

(I'm ok, don't worry, just tracing out my thoughts and feelings so that I can make sense of my experiences here, and understand human nature in general too.)

Semi-random jotting down:

It was difficult to get started praying, but was reminded that in approaching God in prayer, we ought to pray to Him what really is on our mind, not what we think we ought to be praying.

Hmm. I think it hurts a lot when certain friends and family members have a certain mindset of who you are. The pain of being misunderstood.

But I'm guilty of that too, having fixed prejudiced mindsets against others. Still, it hurts.

And the ugly cycle of conditional love goes on. The grip of ungrace. Sober judgement of myself.

Fear begets more fear.

The desire to vindicate yourself squirms within your heart. You are afraid of the consequences that may follow, yet you still want to justify yourself.

Well-intentioned people who are wise and godly... but do not understand your exact situation accurately. Dispensing pearls of wisdom before you, and you wish they wouldn't do that It's one thing to cast pearls before swine - it's another thing to be that swine. Feeling swinish.

But... after stumbling through a frustrated prayer, and just appealed to God. Reminded of the psalmist's appeals to God. Asked Him to vindicate me, and I entrusted my hurts and bitterness into His nail-scarred hands. It wasn't very politically correct, this prayer, but well... asked Him to search me and know my heart too. To correct whatever sinful attitudes there are in my heart. And to take away the sadness and melancholic cloud from me.

(Still, I believe I'm innocent and my conscience is clear. But that doesn't make me innocent - it's the Lord who judges me.)

Anyway, just to share that right after praying that prayer, a sense of peace filled my heart. And I think the Lord assured me that He would take care of all these things in due time. He is my Shield, my Very Great Reward. So I shall humble myself and give others the freedom to think what they wish to think of me. To do my best, and let Father take care of the rest.

Ah, the fresh, earthy zephyr of a December downpour. And He would know that I love a rainstorm in the night.

Now listening to a dear friend sharing about his problems. I realize... that my troubles are so little compared to his.


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So making sense of these experiences... I'm especially thankful for a dear friend who shared with me last time about her own experiences of being misunderstood.

And these experiences of being misunderstood helped me understand better how other people feel when I misunderstand them.

And I realise that through no fault of anyone, a whole chain reaction of misunderstanding can be set off. The human condition, ever since the Fall.

Thank God for these days of learning to grow in mercy and grace. In unconditional love and understanding. It has not been easy, but God is surely hearing my prayers to grow in Christlikeness, in sweetness and gentleness of spirit...

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.

And also, in reflecting, I think He has allowed me a peep into the calling He has for me. To minister to the difficult children. The rejects and the outcasts. The misunderstoods and the rejecteds. It's so exciting.

To learn to bear with one another. Thank God for what Peter encouraged me. This is part and parcel of the process of transformation. Am thankful too that Peter knows the situations, and that he does know and understand me as a friend and shepherd.

Ah. How I need to grow more understanding as a shepherd too.

For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.