Robert and I talked (ok, it was mostly Robert talking :)) over the phone today. Very blessed. :D Actually, something happened before that, so he called me up to apologise. So sweet. :) And very touched by his humility. And also it was a precious time for both of us.

Gee, one thing that he asked me was how I've been. 'Cos my blog seems to be getting more negative. Really? I didn't know that. But yeah, Jitsy mentioned that to me too. Wow. Touched by their concern.

Anyway, yes, it's true, I'm feeling rather low down these days. Not to do with work - I really enjoy my work, and my colleagues are very nice. In fact, that's the danger of it - that I'll start finding refuge in the workplace instead of God and His church.

But I'm feeling low for a variety of reasons. Perhaps I'm being too focused on trying to grow, grow and grow, instead of receiving from God. And also multiple disappointments from asking other brothers and sisters out to try and build bridges across to them, and I'm feeling discouraged, blaming myself. :P but as Robert pointed out, they have their own timings too. And he's also experienced the same problem too. Still, I just feel so weary.

Also am feeling melancholic, 'cos one of the brothers asked me a question after Alan's teaching about friendship: "Who would write your name in the inner circle?" I think there's one brother's name whom I think would write down my name. But I'm not sure. Well, this bro reads my blog. :)

Because, as Huaqiang said, there's nothing sadder than a one-sided relationship.

So hee, HQ said there's another brother who's a possible one. But this other bro mentioned to me before that he has a very close brother, a "soul-mate". Ok, he's straight don't worry... Guess it's my insecurity acting up again. In fact, that's why I was so stunned last time when RF told me that he felt v comfortable with me... I was wondering, "Who, ME? Do you really want to be friends with me?"

Oh well, I guess inner-circle friendships don't have to be only one person. But who am I, Lord? I feel like Charlie Brown in Peanuts. :P

Ok, I'm feeling even more melancholic about being melancholic. 'Cos I know that we Christians are called to be joyful. :P But oh, I was reading Psalm 137, and it echoes my heart.

Sorry to whoever's reading this post. It's totally stupid - it doesn't gel with my title, "A Heart of Joy", but yeah, it's transparent of me. Maybe I should change this title to "A Heart of Insecurity". :)

And I'm also feeling melancholic about my walk with God.

"I will not forget
Your love for me and yet
My heart forever is wandering
Jesus be my guide
Hold me close to Your side
Help me love You till the very end..."

Lord, You know that I really love You. And yet my heart is still so far from You. I know You are there every moment in my life - You loved me even before I loved You. You called me when I was lost. You called me by name. And though I refused You so many times, yet You did not give up on me. And yet I'm still so stubborn... why do I...

Lord, what do You see in me? I'm so weak and small. What am I, truly?

But I remember what You told Moses, "I will be with you."

Like what Robert told me, it's not about us. It's about God. As long as You are with us, that is the only thing that truly matters. The Lord is fighting for Israel!

Sorry to whoever's reading this. I think I need time.

"Sorrow is better than laughter,
because a sad face is good for the heart."
Ecc 7:3

Just a lot of thoughts again. There's so many people out there who need help too. Oh dear. I'm feeling even more melancholic and ashamed of this. Bah! I shall not be ashamed of this melancholy and transparency - I believe that God can use this to encourage the hearts of other people next time if they read this. Because I know that God is great, and He can use even the weakest and lowliest of us to do great and mighty things!

Hee. Again and again, Jesus reminds me to look up to Him and keep running! :)