Social Adeptness

Had a dinner with Robert last Friday. Always thank God for this very dear brother, who never fails to warm the cockles of my heart. (haha... mushy, yeah? :))

So here I am with Robert in Azabu Sabo, the Japanese restaurant where he used to work before as a cook. We leaf through the menu, and Robert recommends the cold ramen with seafood and mayonnaise. :)

In a nutshell, we have a very good time sharing about social relevance... or as Bert puts it, "social adeptness", and he shares his struggles to be socially adept too - which really encourages me very much, because I know I'm not alone in this difficulty.

Personally, I think it's a real sap on one's confidence and courage, when he/she is told that there's something about him/her that is socially "very jarring" (I notice Bert likes to use this term a lot :)) - because we feel a lot of embarrassment.

Our first instinct is to hide and say, "It's not true! I'm not as bad as you say I am!" Probably because of pride, and also because our social behaviours are very closely interlinked with the culture that we have chosen to identify with. And culture is a very personal and intimate part of our own perceived identity, because we are very social creatures.

Perhaps giving cultural corrections to someone else is an area that require a high degree of sensitivity, tact and empathy, because one's own personal culture is a very personal part of us that we choose to make public. (Something like your (lack of) muscles when you decide to go to the beach in nothing but swimming trunks.)

So that's why Robert's sharing with me about his own struggles in social adeptness was very encouraging - firstly because I look up to him as someone who's able to socialize with a lot of people. And secondly, I don't feel so ashamed of my lack of maturity in this area.

But in the end, it's up to me to choose whether to accept or not to accept the correction. To choose to give up and run away, ignore or to accept the truth about myself and change accordingly. It's my own responsibility whether I want to listen, accept and grow in what is lacking. And God will not do that for me; no, He's given me the dignity of freedom and of responsibility to choose. But He promised help if I make the right choice. :)

"This is a problem that we face in the church. Church culture's very different from the outside world. Here, we're very accepting, and sometimes we don't feedback - because we love too much - on things that are socially jarring to us. Unless one of the leaders feedback to us. And have you noticed how in the church the brothers behave very affectionately towards one another, such as, putting one's arm onto another bro's shoulder and saying, 'Hey! Lemme pray for you', etc. etc.? If you do that in the workplace, people'll think you're a queer."

"Yah, I know what you mean."

"Weizhu and I agree you're a very sensitive brother, who's very caring and who can really sense others' feelings and discern when someone's spiritually down. But you need to carry this out of the church and into the working world."

"Gee... I wonder how."

"Think it's better put as 'social adeptness'. The ability to adapt to different cultures. People can be very selfish in the outside world."

I ponder for a long while, while Robert goes off to find his old colleagues and chat with them.

Even though Peter's already told me that it's ok to be quiet in social settings, I still have this nagging feeling that there must be something more to all this social relevance (darn that phrase - it's starting to have a jarring effect on my ears and tongue) than... just being myself, being quiet. If Jesus said that we will be fishers of men, then how in heaven's name does that happen?

"Sorry to take so long, I'm back."

"Hey Robert, I've two questions."

"Ok."

"First question: I'm very quiet in the workplace. Is that wrong? I don't know, because I really can be very quiet at times." And here, I look at him straight in the eyes. "How do I attract more people?"

He thinks for a few moments, and then says simply, "Build your credibility. Or 'street cred' in other words."

"And how do I go about doing that?"

"Well... If you're new in the workplace, don't take the initiative to say things. Wait for others first. Or you can just walk around at tea-time - I think it's a very good opportunity to make conversation, and start from there. And can bless them with little snacks. That's what I do. Sharing food really has a way of opening up hearts. And look at their hairstyles, for example. If everyone has neat, short hairstyles, and you're the only one who has long hair... of course, it depends on your workplace. And if you really don't know about a topic that others are talking about, don't try to bluff. Like 'Oh yes, oh yes! I know I know.' Then they ask you, 'How about you? What do you think of this/that?' And you go... " He shrugs in mock embarrassment.

I have an urge to grab a stone tablet and start chiselling down Robert's Three New Commandments. Words of wisdom!

"It's a learning process. You need to look around, see the culture... for me, I had to learn these the hard way.

And I want to learn these from you, so that I don't have do it the hard way. Muahaha!

He pauses, and then goes on: "And about being quiet, nothing wrong with that! It's quiet confidence that you need. That will attract people to you. You can be quiet and confident at the same time. For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of hope..."

"...Of power, of love and self-discipline."

"There. You memorised the verse."

"Whoa. Thanks a lot bro. It's really very helpful. And now second question: How can I grow in quiet confidence?"

"QUIET confidence? You want to ask ME that question? Hahaha... there's those who are the ra-ra type... You should ask those people who show quiet confidence. Who do you think are the ones that you can ask?"

"Hmm... Zhenzhong from NUS... Yufen... Edwin, maybe, though he's more of quiet and nice... ok, I don't know who else. What about you?"

"Claramae.
Jinghe.
Guang Ann.
Meiling.
Guofeng.
Kangwei.
These are people who have that kind of quiet confidence.
These are the people you should ask, 'From where do you get your strength from?'"

With that, he puts his hands on the table and leans back. I look at him, and we both smile slightly - that kind of smile that goes together with deep thinking going on at the same time.

We look at each other again.

Then he laughs in surprise:
"Whoa! How did I say all these?! Must have been the Spirit speaking and not me ('cuz how in the world did I even manage to spout out all those 'words of wisdom'... haha)..."

Think it has been a very meaningful and good time with Bert. Like perfume that brings joy to the heart is the counsel of a good friend. :)