And while still feeling mel, I decided to flip through the pages of my blog, and while reading the blog, I realised something. All the blog entries before 1 Sep 2005(save one) were pretty shallow and... somehow, just very surface. Self-centred, and smallish in a way. But 1 Sep 2005 was a turning point in my life. When God spoke to me so clearly at the nadir of my Christian life: "You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart, and I will be found by you."
It was so precious to me, because at that point in my life, I felt so useless and felt my life had no impact on anyone (except negative impact), and was mired in pride and insecurity and so many fears.
Then after Sijia's correction... and that precious verse from the Bible... somehow, I saw the pattern in my blog start changing. Somehow it felt like watching a flower bloom. All the fears in my heart started melting away, and without my even knowing it, the shadow of loneliness that constantly plagued me for so many years melted away in the light of His loveliness.
And some months after that, Weizhu wrote me one of the most beautiful cards that I'd ever received in my life. He wrote, "You've changed. What a truly sweet spirit you have..."
But it was never me all along... it was Christ's love and grace in my life. Hee...
Yah... I've seen how He has changed my life over the past 2 years... made me humbler, more teachable, sweeter...
It was the Spirit and the Word that set me free.
What a precious reminder to me again, that Christ really works in our lives. And after the MACHO Turbo brothers' affirmation for Edwin and me, when we graduated, I was so touched to realise how God used me to touch and encourage the lives of the younger ones in the ministry. And to even impart to them some biblical values. But actually... hee... it was their humble hearts that are willing to learn in the first place. So in the end, it is all God's credit and theirs. :)
Still, on a more sober note, I noted some cycles in my life that, up to now, still haven't been overcome. I'm still stuck at the same levels in some things... ok, make that many, many things. Because when one walks with a Holy God more and more, the more and more he realises how unholy he really is. But that is part of our salvation - if we never realise that we need to be saved in the first place, then we'll never treasure our salvation at all.
So I realised how much my relationship with God deepened and grew.
I think it's a very timely reminder... now I'm going through a new phase of life, and I realise I'm going through some same struggles that I struggled with two or three years ago... and gee, I'm so glad that God is giving me the same tests again, with two years' worth of practice and humbling, so that I can finally pass the same tests that I failed so many times over. So that we can go on to bigger and better things that Daddy has in store for me. :)
In the end, it's like what Remy the rat, in the wonderful movie Ratatouille said: "We have to decide for ourselves what we are going to be..." In the same way, we have to decide for ourselves what we want to be in life, because of Jesus. We decide. God provides.
Because God's grace is really more than we can ever imagine... friends really do drop from heaven... miracles really do happen under our very noses... strength to face and confront our fears really does come upon us... love and grace to forgive the people who hurt us most... truth and wisdom to speak into others' lives when they need to hear...
To be honest, I think I've slacked in some aspects of my life. QT I do on the bus and train, half-nodding off... I get distracted by a lot of things... more and more temptations come up... disappointments within and disappointments without...
And think one of the things I've slacked in is humility. I need to be more eager to learn, to have a sweet spirit again, a humble heart to ask for correction and advice... not just from men, but from God too.
And wisdom and maturity. That is something I really need to grow in for the years ahead. "Wisdom is supreme..." as the Bible tells me:
Proverbs 4:7
Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding.
And wisdom comes to those who are discerning, to those who are humble, hungry for the truth.
So I think... from today onwards, starting from 2 Sep 2007, I really want a breakthrough in wisdom. And love. And... ah... so many things to grow in...
Oh! I think God just reassured me just now. "Don't panic! Keep your focus on Me... keep your desire for Me central. Put Me in the centre, and everything else will fit into place. Peace I leave with you! My peace I give you... I am with you always. Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged, for I will be with you wherever you go." :)
Hee hee... thank You so much Jesus... "So take me as You find me / All my fears and failures..."
And... Jesus, I just want to say Happy Teacher's Day. :D Thank You for being my Lord and my Teacher all these years. :) Hee... think not many people have said this to you? :P But thank You for loving me so much that You would teach me,... yes, even me, the slowest learner of them all. Thank You Jesus... You truly are the best Teacher! :)
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