Very blur and tired today. Made a careless mistake - got a monitor scratched. Someone in my team said, "Can't you do even a simple thing like carrying a monitor?" I protested my innocence, thinking it was my colleague who may have done it instead. But decided to accept the blame.

That incident made me feel very frustrated with myself - even if I know that it's true. Asked God the same question again: "Lord, why am I like this?"

Frustrated, also because I know I was stuck in my contemplative mood again - which made it hard for me to focus on anything. That, and the constant moving in and out, and talking and so on.

To add to my frustration, when I was feeling stressed, I just took a quick break, spacing out and looking at the monitor. Then my team leader walked by, and seeing me spacing out, told me, "Hey! What're you doing? Work lah..."

GRRR. I was feeling really mad... to be honest, with God too, because I was finding it very hard to get out of this melancholic mood again.

Asking Him again, "Why did You create me like this..."

Oh dear... I still don't understand why I am like this - and I know it's not because of an attitude problem, but... really, a weakness in me.



I JUST FEEL SO ... FRUSTRATED WITH MYSELF.


Checking my heart, I think I'm blaming this and that... God Himself too... oh dear. Haven't the book of Numbers, in which the Israelites kept on grumbling, taught me anything? I carry a lot of subtle expectations in my heart.

But thankful for Weizhu's encouragement. :) Very thankful. It's the prayer that really helps a lot. Especially when you feel tired and sick, which makes it a vicious cycle - you find it hard to snap out of your mel mood, which in turn makes it harder to focus, and makes you even more mel.

Disappointed with myself in many things. Esp when I was comparing myself with my colleagues - wondering, "Lord, I feel so inadequate - they are so much more mature, relevant etc... who am I?"

But the day ended on a brighter note. One of my colleagues, who usually looks very dao, said a cheerful goodbye to me. At that point, I was reminded that in the end, no matter who I am, and how weak I am, God is able to give me favour. He is able to make others favourably disposed towards me, so that I can connect more with them - to impact and influence them for Christ. Nothing less than the love of Christ that compels me to shine for Him everywhere I go.

I do my best, and God takes care of the rest! :) Let's never forget His grace that is enough for you and me... because in the end, it is NEVER about you or me - it is ALWAYS about Him and His strength. The only thing that He really requires of you and me, when He calls you and me to do something for Him, is a heart of FAITH. "The righteous shall live by faith." And it is not so much of "we want to do something for Him". If we do want to do something for Him, let it simply be because we are GRATEFUL to Him.

In Christ alone I put my trust
And find my glory in the power of the cross
In ev'ry victory let it be said of me
My source of strength
My source of hope
Is Christ alone...

Like the prostitute who loved Jesus so much that she poured perfume on His holy feet and kissed them, washing His feet with her tears.

Like the corrupt tax collector who beat his chest in grief and shame, asking God to have mercy on him.

Like Zaccheus the rich and runty rascal, upon realising Jesus wanted to be his friend, instantly turned transparent, declared in public all his assets - and gave half his assets to the poor, and then some more.

Like the Ravi Zacharias audio clip that I was listening to, where he said that a lot of people enter ministry with a combination of their gift and their calling... and they forget their calling, and focus alone on their gift. Ravi said in his trademark booming voice that God doesn't need talented people - He wants obedient people.

And I am reminded that I need to PRAY to Him more, and more earnestly too. Oh dear.