Hmm. Lots of inertia now. And... was musing about when friendships drift apart, even in the church. I guess it affects me quite a bit.

*muses*

I guess I worry a lot. And one thing I worry about a lot is whether I've offended the other person that he/she starts to avoid me.

And I guess I wish the other person would have told me so, instead of drifting away and avoiding.

Truth be told, I've had friends who did that to me. Even in church. So I felt very hurt and betrayed too. But I realised that not all the fault is mine. Because, like what my CL told me years ago - if the other person can't accept me (not just tolerate)... then he/she is not fit to be my friend!

It shocked me when he said that. But thought about it... it's a very true statement. But I realised it also applies to me. That there are some people whom my heart is not big enough to love. And it's for very peevish and petty reasons e.g. I can't stand the way the person looks / speaks / behaves / "socially immature" and so on.

Then... I am not fit to be that person's friend. I am not fit to be a disciple of Christ. Because Jesus would love that person enough to die for him/her literally.

I remember during the Adults camp this year. A dear brother was counselling me about a certain friend, who had been ignoring me. I felt very hurt, confused and even betrayed. Because this friend had given no explanations, just ignored me. This bro comforted and just listened to everything I shared, including my bitterness and anger.

Then this bro suggested that we pray for my friend together. So I knelt down and prayed... and wept.

At the end of the prayer, the bro said something that surprised me very much. He affirmed me for being a loyal friend to that person, loving the friend so much that I would cry for the person in prayer.

Then he said, that the other person, for what he/she had done... well, it was his/her loss that he/she treated me like that.

I was very surprised. But comforted in a way that I felt God was speaking through this brother: "It's ok Yeu Ann. You did your best. You are not perfect... but neither is this friend. You have to forgive him/her for what he/she did to you. And no, it's not your fault. It's your friend's fault that he/she treated you that way. But you have to forgive him/her. Because... he/she does not know what he/she is doing."

I think someone put it so well: "We love God as much as the person we love the least."

Which actually goes to show just how little I love people... even my own parents... and therefore, shows how clearly I love God so little.

Arrrrrrgggggh and amen.