Bitterness blinds our hearts to grace.

It struck me just now. Quite interesting. After Yufen's prayer some more.

I think I still have a lot of bitter thoughts here and there. To be honest, I feel guilty about sharing here, because I think a lot of people will condemn me for having these thoughts, and think less of me.

I guess it does hurt, but what the hey? God has forgiven me in Christ already, and I must forgive others as Christ forgave me.

I think part of the guilt comes from the feeling that I've done wrong here and there... even in the church. And to be honest, when I look back and see how I experienced legalism / judgement from fellow Christians, even a few leaders... I feel hurt.

But I remember my own legalism too.

I think a lot of the pain comes from the feeling of being misunderstood, that people judge by what they see with their eyes and hear with their ears, instead of looking at the heart. So I guess I'm tempted to be bitter here and there.

I think God has been working in the past few weeks through a few key experiences. A lot of memories came back, and I felt very upset. Wanted to fight back, and to be honest, I imagined a lot of scenes where I was shouting back at the persons I was angry with. That led to more and more angry thoughts, and I basically was sinking into a pit of bitterness.

But when I scolded myself, I realised that God has given me so many things to be thankful for. People like Andrew my neighbour, Yufen, Huanyan, Weizhu, Peter, Shuyi, Jonathan, Spencer, the affirmations from my fellow HopeKids labourers, and Jeannie especially who took the initiative to get to know me better (wow super-blessed by her commitment to me)... God has truly blessed me in so many ways.

Ah. How bitterness blinds me to God's grace.

Hmm. I can't say the battle's over... I think that the Lord is showing me during this period that I do have a lot of inner hurts... but I take comfort in the truth that God is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

And yes, thank God for Peter's encouragement and comfort all these years, and constant reminders that God not only loves me, but works all things for the good of those who love Him... and when all else fails, to just trust His heart.

Which actually may be His equipping me to mentor and counsel those who have been abused, hurt, misunderstood and so on. The outcasts of society.

But I need His grace, and His grace so much. I so need a spiritual renewal.

This is the year of preparation. Perhaps God's preparing me especially during this time...

Grace. I need a deeper dose of God's grace... so that I can in turn show grace to those around me. Perception and appreciation. Grace.

It all started with grace, and it shall end with grace.

"The grace of the Lord Jesus be with God's people. Amen." (Last words in the Bible.)

Amazing grace! how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found
Was blind, but now I see...