A friend told me that my email testimonies don't seem to be consistent with my own life. 'Cos my email testimonies seem very happy, very euphoric even. But when she sees me in person, I don't seem joyful.

What I meant here is that when you share your testimonies, you are filled with the joy of God,and therefore you exude the excitement and joy in your words. However, when I look at you in person, I do know that you are definitely filled with more load than what you have written. When I meet you, at times, I don't see the joy that is in you.

I thought about it. I think ... maybe it's true, or it's not true.

What do you think? Let me know.

I have my own thoughts about it. I think it's important to share testimonies positively, because yes, I am completely sincere about it. And I guess, in person... truth be told, I don't feel comfortable to share in the CG, because I don't think they will be able to identify with what I'm so happy about.

That's something another friend can identify with me about.

Then... I wonder about the joy... truth be told, is CG a safe place to be joyful in? I wonder. Because so often, when I meet up with CG, everyone's so glum and drab and so joyless that I feel dragged down in my soul too.

I think perhaps I might be thought of as being defensive. But I think I'm speaking what really is on my heart. 'Cos I do have deep sense of fire.

Truth is, I just don't feel safe in my CG to be myself.

Aren't there some people whom you can feel so comfortable with, that you could share all your ideals and hopes and dreams with, and you know you are UNDERSTOOD? Not just so - you know that the other person's heartbeat is the same as yours? Not personality, but heartbeat.

Thank God there are some people in my life whose heartbeats are the same.

Safe to be joyful.

---

A further thought. Last time, a few people shared about how joyful I was in CG. I was thinking about that. I think... I've now restrained that, because I also want to fit in with the rest of the CG. Because I felt that the other people saw my joy as strange. Is it strange?

Am I strange? I feel like a fish out of water!

But honestly, should I? It is hard to share joy with those who don't understand what you mean.

I feel discontented and rather put off when I see what I perceive to be spiritual passiveness in others.

I mean... don't you sense it when you know people who have a big heart for God. You can see it. You can feel it. You can smell it!

But why do so many of us lack the heart for the things of God?! Why are we so narrow-minded when it comes to extending God's kingdom? Why are we so contented to nua and just restrict our eyes to our workplaces and CGs and Sunday services? Why are we so nua for the things of God?

AHHH. Hmm. I think I must go back to God again and ask Him. :) Even in my free time, I still am so distracted by all the little foxes of time.