Then HQ said, "Actually, you're not that bad in making decisions; it's just that you let fear and insecurity get the better of you, hence your passiveness. You need to learn to take (bear) responsibility for your actions and decisions."
"And yup, I know you're very easily stressed. Could be other factors too - e.g. lack of knowledge. Oh, add one more thing. Be more observant - of people's expressions etc."
*******
So today's been the day that I was thinking about what he said. And after being alert and watching myself, think it's so true - I'm pretty situationally aware... until I get anxious.
Then I start becoming very "tunnel-vision", and rush off to do this and that. In the process to please people, I forget to do basic courtesy stuff e.g. forgetting to close a bag of food after I'd taken out some food. And could see my colleague tsk-tsking in irritation as he tied it up again. And felt very guilty and anxious about his perception of me.
And then I became angry with God, asking Him, why did You allow this to happen to me? Now everything's ruined, I won't be a good testimony for Your name... all because of this! I don't understand, Lord... if I'm here for Your name, then why do You allow me to disgrace Your name? Why did You make me like this, God? I thought You loved me...
And, while ranting in my mind to Him... I felt very sad, because I guess it really seems to be the first time in my life that I'm struggling in my experience with God...
In particular, I feel very painful about my lack of situational awareness, because it really really really hinders me from connecting with people, impacting them, and helping them draw nearer to Christ.
So often I have cried to God, Why? Why am I so easily anxious? Why am I so often situationally unaware? The good that I want to do, I do not do... the heart is sincere, but the actions... God, I do NOT understand at all!
So was brooding inwardly in my heart... but about some minutes later, two verses came to mind:
2 Cor 12
"...there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
This verse was the Lord's way of telling me He has heard my pleas to Him to take this horribly painful weakness away from me forever... 'a thorn in the flesh' is exactly how I feel about this weakness!
But apparently He has other ideas... in response to my plea, "Why? Why did You let this happen to me?" John 9 came into my mind:
1As [Jesus] went along, he saw a man blind from birth. 2His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?"
3"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.
Weizhu showed me this verse in 2005, when he was my shepherd. Gee. Found the verse rather hard to appreciate then. But now, think I understand why.
That tendency, that habit, is part of my fallen nature, family upbringing, natural personality and hearing-impairment. Like the blind man, I can't see very well what I'm doing at times.
But all this is NOT God's fault at all. He didn't make me like this! It's simply just part of the deadly fallout wrought by the Fall. (If you don't know what the Fall refers to, do read Genesis 1 & 2 - it's a CRITICAL piece of Christian doctrine.)
But ... what He's doing is that He is undoing something in me. :) Undoing the damaged me. And He is working through other people to help me kick this bad habit of being situationally unaware.
Some years ago, I read a very wonderful and touching story. There was this man who grew up a full-fledged homosexual, dressing as a woman for a large part of his life, and eventually, he contracted AIDS. But, someone shared Christ with him, and so this man became part of a church, and for the first time, really experienced love like never before.
Now, the beautiful thing is, this brother in Christ was so used to behaving like a woman - he'd been acting like one for YEARS. But the other men in church helped looked out for him, and whenever he did something effeminate, the brothers would instantly feedback to him, helping him sit in a more macho way - "Oh no, no, don't sit with your legs crossed like that..."
Such was the power of the fellowship, that this brother became a powerful living testimony to the visible power of Christ. He even married a dear sister in Christ (though they couldn't consummate their marriage, due to his AIDS), loving God to the last gasp. And before his death, he testified to many, many people about what the Lord had done for him.
So it encourages me - Jesus is redeeming me. I must not despair, even though my transformation seems so far away - hopeless even! But that is why I need hope. Hope. What a beautiful word. It is one of the three key Christian virtues - Faith, Hope and Charity.
It is a virtue that we Christians (I think especially us Singaporeans) forget so easily. We talk a lot about having faith in God. Good! And having love - the greatest of these three - amen! But let's not forget to have hope in God. :) Especially those who are from Hope Church... (duh!)
Because hope will give us the strength to exercise our faith in God. Hope helps us look up to Jesus, face to face, that we may continue running the race. Hope helps remind us that this race we're running is well and truly worth running. No point finishing a race that has no prize at the end, but every point to finish a race that has a prize beyond all wonder. In short, hope helps us stay in the race and press on, not giving up, even if we are running shakily.
And I think hope serves as the key basis of faith. "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for."
It seems that faith, hope and love are like a building made out of reinforced concrete. Hope is the concrete that shapes the building, faith is the steel that stays the building, and love is the blueprint that makes the building.
"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." 1 Cor 13:13
1 comment:
This might bless you..
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