Disappointed Expectations

Hmm, this is a personal sharing, just... want to be a bit cathartic.

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Don't know, Lord, how to describe everything here. Feeling emotionally spent, and with the lack of fellowship, feel spiritually ... lethargic?

Sometimes ... sigh.

Woke up depressed this morning, because i was feeling sick and missed this morning's run with some of the other bros and sisters. and felt bad about it because i'd missed another chance to fellowship with them, esp with the other bros in my unit.

Time is so scarce, but, Lord, what am i doing! sleeping in bed

To be honest, i've been feeling quite disappointed with the brothers and sisters in the sub-d, and also disappointed with myself. sometimes when i ask other bros and sisters out for a meal, even after repeated times... it's difficult to meet up with them for various reasons. then i start wondering whether they're actually willing to go out with me, or being evasive.

Maybe the simplest answer is that i don't feel wanted or valued by the others. I feel loved when people ask me out, wanting to spend quality time with me. that's something that really warms my heart a lot. Guess all so often, taking the initiative to ask others out ... it makes me feel disappointed and drained, because i start asking, "How come it is I who have to keep doing the asking ALL the time?"

Hee. Well, sitting back and taking a look, yes, i'm distorting my thoughts. After all, Robert asked me out last saturday and basically yakked 90% of the time. But just felt so loved and appreciated that he wanted to spend time with me. :)

Hee. That reminds me. When HQ asked the caregroup, "What are your (plural) expectations of this CG?", we gave the standard stock answers. but now, i think i do know one of my real expectations: "quality time, ppl taking initiative..."

Dear God, I'm so tired of taking the initiative... and ... especially so, knowing that i'm the type whom quite a few people feel irritated with. They may not say it out, but there's the slight irritation that i sense from them, that builds up over time. Oh dear. i know, i know... sometimes i feel like shaking their shoulders and asking them, "Oei, you're not perfect too, you know?" I think I'm looking for grace and acceptance here. But ... as Peter wisely pointed out, it's very emotionally draining for them in the first place. I also must give others grace too. So i'm working on it.

And oh! happy. :) tk You Lord. I've been making breakthroughs in my situational awareness and consideration for others. dunno how to say it, but i do believe that after praying, and really seeing the value of being situationally aware (it's love for your neighbours after all), somehow, the Holy Spirit has helped me be extra-alert and sensitive - there are times when He gives me early-warning signals very clearly, but softly though. but the signals ARE there - i can sense when i'm about to do something very stupid. but erh, He's left the decision and responsibility to me. and i must say that i've been making the wrong decision abut 90% of the time... simply because of habit. AND bad habits CAN be broken, replaced with good habits.

It's so encouraging, knowing that He is with you always, even in your struggles to grow and overcome. He has not left me alone - no wonder they call Jesus the Wonderful Counsellor! :D

Oh well. Soberly thinking, even if you try to meet up with a lot of people, it doesn't work very well. Relationships take time to build up, and you can't do that by spreading your efforts thinly. Forget about this... I need to heed Huaqiang's advice and spend more time with those I've COMMITTED to spend time with.

Oh no! I forgot to pray for Shawn. :( my own brother in my CG.

(pause)

Struggling with a lot of disappointments - "fighting within and fears without" - through the difficult Slough of Despair. Disappointed that my brothers and sisters seem to love so little, and disappointed that I love my brothers and sisters so little.

Sometimes you need to physically see someone who's gone through it, who can inspire you not to give up, but to keep pressing on. So I messaged Weizhu :)