Anyway, been doing my best to make sense of the experiences in the past 2 days...
Met with Robert for breakfast on Sunday. We had a very refreshing talk - was very touched that he cares enough to tell me what I need to hear =) even though it's not always easy to do so. :P And for that I'm especially touched. Have given him full permission to give me feedback anytime, anywhere, that he can speak into my life. Hee. "Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses."
Talked with HQ too, asking him how I can be a better support to him. "Grow in becoming more independent." He explained to me that my current idea of supporting is like "men's mentality". What he means by that is... when in the army, the men (HQ's an NS officer so he knows what he's talking about) tend not to do anything independent, but just simply ask and follow orders. But that's not the best way of supporting. A better level of supporting is to do what you know the officer/leader would want to do. Not just what he/she tells you to do.
Whether it's workplace, or church, or army or whatever else... isn't that principle so applicable? :)
Also... there was some bad news on Sunday. Think it took some time for the full surprise to sink in. But through that experience, Peter reminded me that night when he called me over the phone with these words:
"You must keep your relationship central with God. No matter who you are or what you've achieved, in the end, it's your heart that matters to God."
Our faith must not be leader-centric, nor church-centric, but above all, Christ-centric. We love the church, because it is the body of CHRIST. We love one another, because He first loved us.
It was such a beautiful quote that I asked him to say these words to me again. =)
To be honest, I look at my life, and wish that I'd grown much more, especially in character. Yet for some mysterious reason... God has seen it fit to reveal to me only now certain truths of my life... and thank God for Peter's slow and steady pace in his faithful shepherding me. Often I ask him to give me feedback, but he refuses. Not because he can't, or don't want to, but he wants me to learn to evaluate on my own my life using the Word of God.
Thank God for his patient emphasis that above all, it's not even how much I've achieved... it's about treasuring my relationship with God. To love Him and to love His people.
So thinking on my own. Actually, Christianity's not about becoming a better person. It's about following Christ. It's about loving God and loving His people. We become better people because of the work of Christ in us. We learn to recognized, and let ourselves be moved by His love to want to become better people so that THEN we can love and care and minister to OTHERS even better.
Ah. Encouraged to see how the brothers rally together to support and strengthen one another. Something beautiful is happening here, I can see it. :) When ordinary men gather together - something extraordinary happens. :)
Then on Monday night, Word For Life on Healthy Relationships. Thank God for the people who organized it. It was good, it was enlightening, and very, very thought-provoking. About how my family influences my outlook on life.
But also memorable because straight after that... I made a frank comment to another friend. To be honest, this friend was deeply hurt by some things I said. And this friend asked me to think about some things.
I'm still thinking through that part.
And from time to time, the bad news that I got flashes by my mind, and I am momentarily stunned. Amazed actually that situation actually happened. But I remind myself - that there's no difference really. God is in charge, and we must keep our eyes focused on Him. To stay loyal to Him no matter what happens, come life or death.
And most of all... I've been thinking about God. Just miss Him so much. I have let so many things - a large part of it is due to my emotions overriding my self-control... that I end up wasting a lot of time dwelling on these thoughts and feelings.
But God is so kind to me. He's been taking away certain sources of euphoric comforts from me these few days. Initially, I was feeling even more melancholic because of that, but I know in my heart that all these happenings are from Him so that He may draw my heart back to Him.
This morning I woke up earlier than usual, so I decided to pray to Him. Tried, but to be honest, I found it hard to pour out everything in my heart to Him. Perhaps... I'm really "emotionally constipated", if there's such a thing. ;) Dry? Maybe I am... oh dear.
But Jesus is so kind to me, a sinner. As I was on my knees, struggling to stay away and just pray... these words came into my mind, "You will seek Me and find me when you seek Me with all your heart, and I will be found by you..." (Jeremiah 29:13)
And Peter's words flashed again to mind: "...it's your heart that matters to God."
Hee. Was very touched. I think it will take time for me to draw near again to God, because I have let my heart go astray again... (and I can sense the difference in my life - more judgemental, more emotional, more...). But Jesus is there, encouraging me to come to Him, even though I'm still crawling at times... encouraging me to seek Him with all my heart! No matter how short or long my prayers are, whether I read one verse or one chapter or one book, whether I'm blessed beyond all care, or drier than the desert...
The Lord Jesus bids me come to Him, just as I am. And He bids you come to Him too... just as you are.
Just as I am, without one plea,
But that Thy blood was shed for me,
And that Thou bidst me come to Thee,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.
Just as I am, and waiting not
To rid my soul of one dark blot,
To Thee whose blood can cleanse each spot,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.
Just as I am, though tossed about
With many a conflict, many a doubt,
Fightings and fears within, without,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.
Just as I am, poor, wretched, blind;
Sight, riches, healing of the mind,
Yea, all I need in Thee to find,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.
Just as I am, Thou wilt receive,
Wilt welcome, pardon, cleanse, relieve;
Because Thy promise I believe,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.
Just as I am, Thy love unknown
Hath broken every barrier down;
Now, to be Thine, yea, Thine alone,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.
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