So very touched... I really want to cry.
You know that I've been feeling depressed lately, burdened and afraid.
So it was with a burdened heart that I went down to the Festival of Praise today.
Burdened, but when I saw the beautiful sunset, I remembered the psalmist saying, "When I consider the heavens, and the works of Your hands... what is man, that You are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?"
Prayed to You, eagerly desiring you... that brings back a memory of the journey down to the Indoor Stadium with Joyce. Thank You for showing me Hebrews 11:6, "... that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.", which I glanced at in Joyce's book! Thank You for Joyce, who blessed me a lot with her cheerful smile and conversion story - I was very encouraged!
Yes, You are the One who sees me - my Beer Lahai Roi...
And You know my dryness in the past 2 days - that I was seeking You, but I was so tired, and I longed to hear from You... but I didn't... but You encouraged me, You saw my heart's desire to come near to You... and You told me not to give up! You told me that You reward those who EARNESTLY SEEK YOU!
And this was Your assurance to me, during the Festival of Praise... to Seek You With All My Heart, For You Will Be Found By Me!
And I sought You... I told You my burden... and I prayed this specific prayer, asking You to give me a clear confirmation of the direction that You want for my life... and You heard it and You answered it directly!!! Made it crystal clear!
You told me that I am a MIGHTY WARRIOR! You are the One who sees me, not what I think I am, but who YOU see me to be!
And what Ed Silvoso said during the preaching:
"To the young people here, who want to make a difference for God in the areas of MEDIA, politics..."
"God is setting Singapore aside, to be the Antioch of Asia..." (and it's so clear now... Singapore, as the Antioch of Asia in such a time as this, IS GOING TO BE A MEDIA HUB VERY SOON - AND WE YOUNG WARRIORS OF GOD MUST ANSWER THE CALL TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN THIS AREA!!!
And You addressed my very fears in stepping out into this area - me, a joker, without much qualifications or skills, but only having a dream, a desire and a prayer to make an impact in media for Jesus Christ... Mr Silvoso also said, "We can dwell on the dangers... OR WE CAN BELIEVE GOD!"
GOD! YOU ARE THE ONE WHO SEES ME!
Dear Lord, to be honest, I really don't see myself as a mighty warrior at all... but You encouraged me with this verse, "Go in the strength you have... am I not sending you?"
And what Mr Silvoso also said,
"If you think there is someone better than you.. Yes, it's true! BUT YOU HAVE BEEN CHOSEN BY GOD!"
Amen! If God is for me, who can be against me?
And You've not left me alone... You've given me a dear shepherd who also shares the same vision to make a difference for Christ in the area of media... I know You are using him to disciple and train me... to teach me to think deeper and wiser...
You are the One, You are Lovely
You are the One, You are Holy
You are the One, I will worship
You are the One, Jesus....
I have a destiny
I know I shall fulfill
I have a destiny
In that City on a hill
I have a destiny
It's not an empty wish
For I know I was born
For such a time as this...
********
And Jesus, I want to pray...
You know that I still felt quite depressed after I came back.
But I'm glad for the teaching on self-acceptance that I was reading the past week.
It helped open my eyes to realise why I feel and act the way that I do in so many areas... a lot of it is due to insecurity. I know that many people have told me this before, but somehow... I don't know, maybe it's Your timing - when I read what Your Word teaches about insecurity, somehow my eyes were gradually opened... a revelation from Your Scriptures...
And somehow, just knowing and accepting the fact that I have low self-esteem and struggle with insecurity REALLY makes a big difference... what You said is true: "You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free."
To be honest, Daddy, I struggled a lot even up to just now with this fear of this person, who keeps on rejecting me and even looking down on me... I was so angry with that person. I remembered what Yufen told me about going to You to reconcile my feelings with that person... in a way I'm thankful that it's not my fault, really... she understand that this person can be very stubborn, but the fact remains that this person is Your dear child too, my fellow sibling in Christ, for whom You shed Your own blood to save...
Still, I was so distressed, and so afraid of being rejected, and looked down upon, because You know that I really get very easily disorientated when I'm very tired... I can't think clearly and do stupid things... and this person will look down upon my lack of physical coordination... I was so angry...
But You listened patiently to my prayers... somehow I don't understand so many many things, but one thing I have learnt is that just being in Your presence through prayer really helps so much... somehow my heart is gradually put at peace... and You give me the grace to love and forgive this person... and You help me remember that I myself need grace and forgiveness too for my own sins... and You settle my inner thoughts when I pray in the Spirit, for Your Spirit intercedes for me with groans that words cannot express.
And You reminded me of this verse to fight the fear that surfaces every time I see this person... the fear of this person despising me for my lack of skills...
"The LORD is my light and my salvation;
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is my stronghold;
of whom shall I be afraid??"
Because You know that in future, in the workplace, I will definitely face people who will look down on me. And You know how vulnerable I am to this kind of rejection. And You know how cruel words will really pierce through my heart like a burning knife through butter. But You gave me Your word, Your promises, Your presence as my shield against these flaming arrows!
*******
And when I look at all these experiences... I can reflect and make sense... I believe that You are in the process of training me to be a MIGHTY WARRIOR for You, Jesus King of Kings and Lord of Lords!
To be a warrior of God, with a fierce joy that remains unbattered, with a confident faith that stands the test of fire, a heart that stands safe and secure even through the fiercest bombardment, a soul that takes cover in You, the Indomitable Bunker that no nuclear missile can ever take out, a spirit that waits patiently in victory and not in defeat...
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