From my journal

Dear God,

I think I'll never become a shepherd at all - unless You choose to do so - so I guess I might as well give up trying to become one and just enjoy being a serving member all the days of my life.

Leadership comes to the unwilling?
Leadership comes to the unwilling.

I don't know how You want to work in my life - I guess this is the best way to handle my disappointment and keep my faith in You at the same time.

Maybe it's the 2nd-best, but well, despite it all... I still trust in You, yet I give up.

In Jesus' name, amen.
*******
Yeah, I feel kind of bitter toward You.

Sorry... just need to get it off my chest, Dad, I know You're good and real. But there's still so many questions that I have in my mind and I feel disappointed.

Perhaps it's the right timing that I got to read Ellson's book yesterday - Disappointment with God - You know how I would feel even before I feel. And I was looking through the biography of William Carey - he also went through an intense time of disappointment and lack of fruit after many years.

Why, God? I feel so disappointed. I have been trying to reach out, and reach out... I'm so disappointed. Is this all in vain? Is it even worth trying to reach out if You don't bless me? I'm not even worth a piece of salt - why was I born?

Yet... I was made to love You. I was made to praise You. And I was made to love Your people.

Yet... I still don't love Your people very much. I know it, and YOU know it, and I wish You'd give me a better heart than the one I have right now.

Yet... I know I'm blaming You. "A man's own folly ruins his life, but his heart rages against the Lord." Oh Lord, why do I sin against You every day? And why do I keep falling and failing? Why do I break Your heart so many times? Why am I so heartless and like that? Why are so many people better than me?

Yet... I remember what Weizhu told me last time - "The problem is, you can't accept the fact that you make mistakes. Not your mistakes, but the fact that you make mistakes. And that's pride."

Oh God, I don't know why... You know my heart much better than I do. Please correct and rebuke and discipline me... even when it hurts... so that I can be broken. Break me, Potter, I'm but clay. Help me grow in love - I know I can't love without Your love in me... help me just humbly receive, as a beggar from a king...

In Jesus' name, amen.