Reflections during QT

Just want to share some parts of my journal from my quiet time today. Want to remember what I wrote - my paper journals are gathering a LOT of dust - "Dead Sea Scrolls", as Peter calls 'em. :P And yes, I do write very long. Haha. That's why I prefer writing in electronic format - I still want my hands to remain functional.

Read Gen 50-Exodus 2.
Something that struck me here was the sheer length of time (400 years plus!) from the Israelites' time of prosperity in Egypt to their time of slavery. And Moses murdering an Egyptian, then fleeing into the desert, as an Enemy of the State (Pharaoh was hot on his heels), living as a fugitive till he was 40 years, among sheep.

Also, the fire of God, the burning presence. (And I had to eat that Chicken McSpicy just before my QT. Heh.) Yet the bush didn't catch fire. I wonder what Moses felt when he saw that extraterrestrial sight...

Yet something that struck me here was what God said to Moses... "I have seen their misery... I have heard their cry... I am concerned about them... So now, go. I am sending you to Pharaoh." And Moses said, "Who am I? that I should go?"

Lord! I really feel like that too! Who am I indeed? God, please help me make sense of this experience, this disappointment that I feel, so that I can learn from it and mature... guide my thots too. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Something about the burning bush too. It occurred to me that the fire must have been burning silently, since the bush wasn't being consumed by the flames. It was only when Moses had opened his eyes to see this strange sight and decided to go over, that God spoke to him.

So it struck me here... I think He's trying to tell me to open my eyes big-big right now at the experiences today and yesterday... e.g. my slogging in the lab, the time at HQ - what does He want me to realise? to learn? to see?

Daddy could be trying to speak to me right now, and I'm missing it!

Was thinking about all these, because I was still struggling with disappointment with God. But I'm awed by how incredibly gentle and patient God can be - even though He has the perfect right to discipline me... He reminded me of this verse: "And we know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."

In ALL things... something that I keep on telling others, but I myself need to remind myself too. ALL things... including the awful time slogging in the lab - it's like, one problem down, another problem comes up. Doggedly crawling through each problem... it's really a test of faith, honestly, because I have no idea how to solve each problem, yet when I pray, I find the hand of God works in ways I can't see - whether big problems (debugging) or small problems (sometimes it's just a case of flipping on and off the switch).

God, I think my lab equipment must have been taken from the Millenium Falcon... they keep on shutting down at the worst possible time! Where's Chewbacca when you need him??? Uuuuuuhhrrrrr....

Anyway...

I'm thinking. I think God may be prompting me to open my eyes BIG BIG right now, like I said, and take a look at the current situation. True, I may not be serving in the role that I WANT to serve in... and true, I know my character, mindset and heart do fall short of His standards.........

yet, He still wants me to serve Him anyway. Not say I say what... the Bible say one... touched, that He cares for me, no matter what. Yeah!

Hmm... so what do I think Jesus wants me to do at this present time and place?
- Children's ministry... I think the signs are very clear here... I enjoy it... the children like me a lot... (even the "problem" kids respond to me... *touched*)... and I do see the DEEPER vision and significance of this ministry - it's so crucial to win them for Christ before the world gets them! Yeh! So this is the best time to serve Him in this children's ministry... esp when I'm still a uni student, and still have enough physical and mental energy...

- The MM training... the duty, the call to arms is clear... God has given me this talent for making MM... it may be only one talent, but hey, a talent is like, a few hundred grand... Yeah! So must train and raise up a professional, dedicated and committed MM team for the next generation of NUS ministry... not only proficient in software, but aware of the changing media landscape for the next few years... so that we can be relevant and even more, setting the media trends! With God all things are possible! This shall be my parting gift to the dear bros n sisters in the NUS ministry...

- But not only that... also want to keep on sowing... I shall sow to the very last breath, the very last minute of my time in NUS... I want to capture the heart of Christ for the lost... to keep on sowing and sowing... never to give up till the very moment I have to go... then I can say with great joy and confidence, "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith!" Yeh! That shall be my reward... and even now, I've already seen for myself the sheer power of God's Mighty Hand And Outstretched Arm when I simply pray a specific prayer ... and BELIEVE that It Shall Come To Pass In Jesus' Authority And Power! Yeah and Amen!

So want to have the apostle Paul's attitude, which my shepherd reminded me of last time... "Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 3:13-14)

It is never too late! Because God rewards even last-hour workers... yeah, He is good, He is generous, and His love never fails! If He gave His one and only Son for me, then I figure, no matter what else happens, He IS Good, and There Is No Doubt About It - Come Hell or High Water! Yes and Amen! Because He is RISEN and He Lives Forevermore! AmeN!

Haha... hmm... thank God! :D So encouraged after today's prayer and reading His Word... somehow, just being in His presence for a while does something to my heart, soul and mind that I can't comprehend... somehow I feel a sense of divine protection over my heart that no worry can penetrate through... and I can sleep in peace because of His big strong hand on my tiny heart... There's simply no God like Yahweh!

Hmm... I think, about the 8 years... I dunno if this is a good accurate understanding, but I think maybe one outcome of this experience of spiritual barrenness, not having a sheep all this while, and the disappointment every time I see or hear about other people having many sheep, or bringing their friends to Christ... i think, maybe in a small way, God is using this experience to help me understand better how childless couples may feel.

Barrenness... really has this kind of heartache that makes you ask God, "Why? What is wrong with me, that I don't have fruit in my life?" Disappointment and bitterness are so lurking around the corner, ready to take hold of your heart, and sometimes you just trudge on, not sure if God actually wants to bless you - oh yes, He can, but does He want to?... You look enviously at other people who have, and you ask Him, "Why not me, too? God... are You angry with me? Or is there something wrong with my life? Please... show me... I want to change... I don't understand... I know I can't see why, but just hear my cry and answer me, somehow!!!" And the silent reply is deafening.

So, yeh... think that is the kind of pain - whether physical or spiritual - that arise from barrenness... but I know that He has, in spite of my own expectations, been incredibly good to me, far more than I deserve. In fact, everything from God is a privilege, not an entitlement! (as any NS guy will know what I mean...) So I will wait, and wait... and I will sing to the Lord, for He has been good to me.

In Jesus' name, aMEN!
YA