Love Lesson #2

Was walking down the corridor of Engine block towards HQ when it struck me. I've been trying to get God off my back - praying the same regular prayer, asking Him to cover me and give me what I need - then I'll siam. Realised that the way I behave towards God is exactly the same as I behave towards my dad.

I know my dad loves me very much - he's caring and he's reasonable, he gives me pocket money regularly - extra if I need it - and hugs me from time to time... in other words, he's very fond of me. Yet, somehow, there's this spirit in me that tries to be independent of him, to shake him off and in general not share much of my life with him. True, I really have the heart and concern for his welfare, to see that he's doing well in health, and occasionally, asking him how his Bible reading's going. But I fear going closer in relationship with him - it took me a long time to take the courage to say to him, "I love you", even though he has said to me quite a few times already.

I wonder why my reluctance? I think one reason is because I'm a shy person - perhaps this I got from my mum. (Those of you who have met my mum will know that she's a quiet person - whereas my dad's much more outgoing (and charming too).)

So I was thinking about my relationship with my Daddy too. I know you can't have one without the other - how much you love people is the true reflection of how much you really love God. I think it's not just the depth of love - it's also the ways and means in which one expresses his love for other people.

To use CS Lewis' terms, I guess the depth of my love for my dad and my Daddy would be something like affectionate love, rather than agape love. What's affectionate love? Well, go read CS Lewis' "The Four Loves" and you'll find out more. (Currently, Jitsy's holding my book hostage. Ha, I have 2 of her books hostage too... ;) hee hee)

So I think today was a realisation - a revelation, would be a better way to put it - that I do love God, but I am kind of shy towards Him, wanting to shake Him off after I've asked Him for favours, blessings, strengthening and comforting. All these things are good, yes, but in the end, God really wants to RELATE with me deeper. And I'm not giving Him the chance to know me better too.

He's been trying to woo my heart with all the words that He wrote in His Word... a Lover, a God who longs passionately for us... the King who seeks the peasant girl's hand...

So I need to "walk with Him, every day of my life / To talk with Him, in the good and the strife..."

So Lord... You are a Mysterious and Powerful God... and I'm quite shy of You... but I do want to be like the eighty-year old man (a true story) who skipped joyfully down a beach, singing to God, and exclaimed to his friend, with tears rolling down his cheeks - "My Daddy's very fond of me." I want to start knowing You like that, Almighty God...

Oh God. I really do want to respond to Your Big Big Heart. Because I do want to receive Your love _in all its fullness_. The Love Beyond Reason, the Love That Stepped Down Into Time and Space...

*pondering*

I think this is how God has been answering my prayer in the past two days for me to grow in love for Him and His people. Because there's this verse that says, "We love because He FIRST loved us." I realised that I REALLY lack a lot of love in my heart - I'm actually a very loveless person - though thank God, He made this heart more loving ever since I asked Him into my heart 8 years ago. But I can only give as much as I have received. He who has been loved much loves much; he who has been loved little loves little.

So I guess, one thing that I can start doing now is to keep on talking more with God. Notice Him in the little details of life. See Him feed the birds. See Him raise the sun and the moons and the stars. See the trees praising Him. Enjoy life simply, as a gift from God.

Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me.