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What lies ahead is a big unknown
All my wishes, hopes and dreams
I want to give them all to Thee
Opening my palms, outstretched
Like a sprinkle of stardust
I look, Oh, I did not fully let go
Was I wrong? I turn to You
You nod and smile
Your gaze is warm
It's okay, dear child
Just keep going.
This poem by WZ came to my mind as I was reading the newspapers today. I was thinking about what I want to do in future, and my hopes and dreams... I had read about a classmate of mine whose photo was featured in the Straits Time - think he had been invited for National Youth Forum. And also thinking of a bro and sister whose photos were featured in the New Paper recently - wow, so proud of them, yet felt a bit envious, to be honest. Hee... think this particular brother will know what I mean... =) And my shepherd sharing with me about his desire to be salt and light in our society through the area of media. And Robert asked me over MSN last night: "Do I have any talents?" He wasn't depressed or what... he was just simply asking whether this was true, because he didn't think he had any talents. (Correct me if I'm wrong, 'Bert...)
All these converged on my mind the past 2 or 3 weeks, and I've been thinking... "What contribution can I make in this society, in this life, before I die? What do I really want in life, and what was I made for?"
Existential questions, to be sure.
I dunno... I take a look at myself, and I think, I'm so ordinary. What difference can I make, really? I don't know. I'm not a scholar, neither am I a natural leader. When Ps Jeff talked about us university students taking up the role of management positions and so on, to be honest, I think I really am not management material. I've always loved being an artist, but when I read my lecture notes about the culture industries and the difficulties faced by creative industry workers, I wonder what difference can I really make in the media industry? I'm interested in political issues, but no way am I gonna be a politician - I don't want to be in the wrestling ring every day. :P
Think this is one of the most persistent and pressing questions that a man (yes, I mean man as in the male gender) will ask himself, sooner or later, in his life. He wants to know what his purpose in life is. Think that's the way that we men are all hard-wired with in our minds - somehow, we have this innate desire to accomplish something significant - SOMETHING of worth, something of purpose. Even though certain cultures, societies, families or whatever else may adjust our beliefs about ourselves and our perceived roles in society - somehow, there is this innate desire in every man to make something out of his life.
Honestly, I Don't Know. Yet... I'm reminded of how God is in the business of using ordinary people to do extraordinary things. As the Navigators love to say, "Ordinary people, Extraordinary God!"
I'm reminded of William Carey, a shoemaker-turned-missionary-cum-translator-cum-botanist. He was an ordinary shoemaker - yet when God placed a burden in his heart for India, he obeyed and went. In spite of hardships, loneliness, family problems and opposition, he pressed on and went on to translate the Bible into several Indian languages, and also the Hindu epic - the Ramayana. And he helped to do many other things to improve the lives of his Indian friends - in spite of the colonial overlords' objections and opposition.
I guess there's so many other examples... my own brothers and sisters too... their lives really touch me a lot. I'm very inspired by their lives...
But to be honest, when I look at them, and then take a look at myself - who am I really? I'm so very ordinary, and to be honest, I barely believe that I can make a difference in this world, in this lifetime...
But that's not good! I must have faith in God! Doesn't matter whether I'm 'half-past six' or 'half-bucket water'... because Jesus looks at me and says, "With men, this is impossible - but not with God - with God all things are possible!"
I must have faith in God! Simply because faith pleases God!
Come to think of it, I do have talents and giftings and strengths that God gave me. He has given me so many things. I have so many things that He has already given me. Wow... and He's still giving me more things!
Well... hmm... why am I writing all these down? I guess, yeah, I need to guard my heart against pride... but to be honest, I think it's not pride to acknowledge all the strengths and talents and stuff that God has given me... as long as I acknowledge that GOD is the One who gave me all these things... and never I myself. Because He can take them away anytime He likes.
So I'm approaching the crossroads of my life as I go through this final semester. It's very short - only a few more months, and my academic life is, for all purposes, completed. And I remember what Claramae advised me - "When you look for a life-partner, you also need to consider whether she shares the same life-goals as you, the same core values, the same vision."
I'm still thinking. Perhaps in the area of media? How are we going to make a positive impact for God in this area? What would be the best way to do it?
And children? Work with them for how long? To what extent? What will keep me going on even when I'm physically tired and mentally exhausted?
And vision? I have been thinking, for the past 4 years, about helping out in our churches in South America. I really don't know how - the most realistic way I see myself helping out there is going on a short-term missions trip... when? I don't know... maybe somewhere nearer.
And adults ministry? What area can I help out with?
And family? Future wife? How many children? etc. etc.
So many things to think about.
Hmm... hey, maybe I'm thinking along the wrong track. Maybe the truth is that nobody is ordinary. We all have something extraordinary - that seed of potential that is in EVERYONE.
Because we are made in the image of God Himself.
I remember what Ruey Fong told me: "You need to believe in yourself more."
So, in the final analysis, I'm thinking about it... what will really count for ETERNITY? What I do here affects what we will see in eternity. It's that kind of responsibility that God has given us, His people.
Ah. In conclusion, I'm going to pray. To ask Daddy what His advice is. Because this verse, Jeremiah 33:3, came to mind: "Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know."
Because, I remember, someone said, "History belongs to the intercessors."
So I'm going to pray and ask God for His guidance at the crossroads of my life.
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