Saturday, February 6, 2010

A Prayer of Confession

So tired, Lord. So tired.

Everything seems a blank.

I was staring, a bit dazed, at the screen just now.

Maybe I feel dazed, because everything seems so blank. Maybe it's like seeing a bleak winter landscape.

Felt overwhelmed and felt inadequate and a bit lost. What am I doing, actually?

I'm not even doing or planning anything purposeful. It feels like I'm just doing fire-fighting here and there. Do one project, do another. Take care of this duty, that duty. Help my parents, take care of my sheep, meet him up every week. And just before you've managed to finishing reloading ur ammo, the next wave comes again. Duty in, duty out. And you have this vague feeling of guilt for not setting aside a time to meet up people, and outreach. And oh, suddenly you remember you've been intending to exercise - and study your Bible... one month ago.

Gosh. And my response to all these is to pull the blanket over my head, as if though that would help. And you sleep some more, and then you wake up even later... and feel even more demoralized, because you know that you've wasted so much precious time.

And from somewhere, you hear this verse: "How long will you lie there, you sluggard? A moment's sleep, a moment's slumber, and poverty will come upon you like a bandit."

And the demoralization gets even heavier.

As the days go by, it seems that no matter what weather it's outside, it's always a gray drizzle in my soul each morning.

Deep sigh...
Father, am I really depressed? Cannot be lah...


And... as I opened my Bible, my eyes fell on Psalm 61.

Read it. Then Psa 62.

I feel the strong, loving arms of my Creator, my Father, wrapped around me. And He is reminding me,
"It's ok. Yes, I want you to work hard, plan well, and be wise. But... Yeu Ann, at the heart of it all is love. I am strong, remember that. And I am loving. Remember, I reward each one according to what he has done... should not that encourage you to get up each day for the glory of my Name? Take heart, Yeu Ann. I didn't say I'll reward you according to how fast you do it! I'll reward you according to WHAT you have done!"

And I am so... touched and trembling.

Grace that gives me the same reward, whether I've started working in the first hour or the last hour of the day. How could I forget? Grace, from the beginning to the end. Jesus, the Beginning and the End, the First and the Last, the Alpha and the Omega.

God's kindness is so great. How can I take His kindness for granted? I am so unworthy, but He is so kind to a sinner like me.

Oh God. I'm so sorry. I haven't been taking time to show love to my family. I did show a bit of love to my colleagues. But my brothers and sisters... I do not think I have showed love to them. I am selfish and sucking, always consuming and never giving.

But I think He whispers in reply: "It's ok, son. I do not condemn you. Just go. Go and show people what it means to live a life worthy of My calling. The full message of this life. Seek Me every morning; I will give you what you need. And put on compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience each morning."

Remember, Yeu Ann, it is all about Jesus. His loving kindness and grace has already empowered you to speak warm words of love to those around you. To bless and care. And He never, never condemns you. Only the devil does that, but are you going to listen to the voice of the Good Shepherd or are you going to listen to the devil?

Satan tells you you cannot do it, because of all your past failures. He mocks you, you who are created in the image of God. But Jesus, our Friend... and our Righteous Advocate and Redeemer... steps in and rebutts the evil one. "Yeu Ann is mine, and mine alone. I have bought him. I have redeemed him. I call him by a new name."

Lord, now is the last hour of the day. Please help me wisely plan my time so that I can make fuller use of my time. To be more intentional in discipling people... in making every step count. Lord, thank You for being with me, and loving me, and forgiving me. Thank You for not holding anything against me, but You will guide me and discipline me to teach me and lead me, and train me in righteousness, so that I may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.

With this in mind, Father, I pray in Jesus' name, help me change the way I pray tomorrow morning. Remember these words that I write as a prayer to You. Please help me love Your Word more, and start studying it deeper. It is never too late to restart and carry on. But oh God, give me strength to overcome procrastination - and perfectionism - and laziness. This sloth will eat away at my soul. I need help, Lord.

Oh Lord. I feel a renewed sense of a fresh hope infusing my soul again with a sweet fragrance. The aroma of Christ, like a fresh cup of Starbucks tea. Thank You for Your very great and precious promises. Thank You so much my Lord. Thank You Father. Yes, Lord, yes, Lord, yes we can. Amen.

And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.

1 Corinthians 13

1Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.

2And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.

3And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.

4Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,

5Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;

6Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;

7Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

8Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.

9For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.

10But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.

11When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

12For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

13And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.

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