Sunday, February 21, 2010

How Deep The Father's Love...

hello God it's me again. yup.

just feeling burnt-out i guess. yup.

stress of struggling against my perfectionism. and my fears. and trying to get productive work done, and the internal frustration when you just can't seem to translate your creative conceptualization to fruition.

i think it's bcos i feel a lot of pressure on a lot of sides - whether it's from work or ministry. and i NEED time to plan and strategise... but gee, i also have to be with my team to do the actual scriptwriting and groundwork... and then there's the freelance websites to be done...

and oh, DMM. discipleship training. just feel so inadequate in understanding. while everyone else is talking about planning structures and so on... i don't know why, these things just go over my head. i mean... i just feel redundant honestly. it's a good opportunity to learn, i know... but gee... i have the fear that when i put up suggestions... they'll get critiqued from every angle, and i'll have to explain every side to cover their concerns. it's very draining. so i'd rather keep quiet.

i feel stressed, also bcos i know i ought to have a greater heart for ppl... to observe them more... i mean... i do... but ... honestly... what can i do?

God knows i have done my best, and my best is not good enough for men.

so many emotions and stresses whirling around.

please don't get me wrong. i respect my teammates and my leaders. they're fantastic! so fantastic in fact, that it's just that i feel totally outclassed. i'm too slow to think in groups and discuss and so on. actually i'm just too slow for everyone. i am so majorly discouraged. what is the use of me?

the thing is, all these things are interlinked with one another. i don't have time to plan and think ahead bcos of my stress in trying to come up with a good piece of work. and as a result i don't have time or energy to plan things early for my drama team. and also, i don't have time or energy to plan for my sheep. or to think abt my CG and care for them.

and today i overslept and missed service. missed having breakfast with andrew as well. and the feeling of having missed so many things made me feel even more tired.

i'm just tired, Lord. I'm just tired. really want to talk with my shepherd about all these.

but even there upon my bed of melancholy, God was still there.
Psalm 139:7-8
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

He gently woke me up just in time for adults service - and that was after i had missed hopekids service. i prayed and apologised to God for missing the hopekids service even tho i had done my best to let my team know in advance beforehand. and He spoke these words to me: "Cast all your anxieties upon Me, because I care for you." So tuoched... and then i fell asleep again. and woke up and found that i was in danger of completely missing the service. still felt very tired and down, so knelt down to pray... and fell asleep again. when i woke up, it was lunchtime alr. so talked w God and remembered that He does understand. and He actually cares for me. He's not a performance-driven God who will be pleased with me only if I do things right. He's not even that kind of God who will just tolerate me if I fail... no, when i fail.

No lingering disapproval of me as a person... No, He's a Father. Yes, He'll challenge and exhort me to give my best. Yes, He'll make a man out of me. Yes, He'll discipline me if needed... and He'll push me... and then push me off - to help me fly. And upon eagles' wings will He bear me. and when i've done the best that i could do... and failed by human standards... He is still there by my bedside, tenderly watching over me even as i sleep in exhaustion. He gently wakes me up after each service that i've missed, encouraging me to get up and move on. Yet He didn't compel me with guilt... He is not a harsh martinet, a strictly-by-the-rules God. He is my Daddy, who cares for me.

Actually, I really don't know how I know all this or can be so confident. (Besides the fact that the Bible says so.) But I do know that God was caring for me today. Compassion. And ah! there's this verse that explains exactly why I know that God was watching over me the way a good father would care:
Romans 8:15-17
"15For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." 16The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. 17Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.

Amen. :) Hee. "Only when one has been hungry does he know how good bread truly tastes." (An old Romanian proverbs.)

Ok. Time to get up and clearing whatever I can clear tonight. *Sigh* Father, help me with the week ahead. Amen.

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