I received a firm rebuke today. Thank God for it - it's a very much-needed wake up call. I felt chastened, so found a place to sit down and think about it.

Prayed as well. It was a relief when I confessed everything, all the pride and sin in my heart to Jesus. Such a relief, because ... probably people will say that this is an emotional thing. But ... I did sense God's forgiveness in a real way.

Still, I was not sure what to do next. So I sat down and read through the entire Psalm 119. One key word kept shining at me: "instructions". And a few verses here and there. Yah. How I want to be right with God, even though I sin so many times. And God has promised to help me grow. Yay! :)

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Hmm. I think reflecting on things, one major character flaw I have is that of outbursts of anger. In a way, thank God that I now understand very much better why I am angry at times. And... compared to the violent, explosive and rash fellow I was before I knew Jesus... I'm a totally new creation. Some people find it rather hard to believe that I used to get into fights in school and so on. In fact, I once kicked a friend in the (ahem) oompah-loompahs because he made fun of me. :P So thank God for the power of the gospel. :)

Still, as I reflected, I realised that even though I might have a valid reason for being angry... does that mean I should still express my anger explosively? No, no, and no. The Bible says to me, "In your anger do not sin." It is possible to be angry, and not sin.

And even if it's with people I can trust... does it mean I still have to do it anyway? No, no, and no. Because the Bible says, "Love your neighbour as yourself."

Yes, I may understand precisely the reason(s) why I am angry. But even then, does it justifies my outburst? No, no, and no. Because what is the effect on the other person? Will it help or strengthen or encourage the person in any way? No, no, and no.

I think the Holy Spirit helps me understand and introspect my feelings and thinking processes to a much deeper level, not for my own benefit or to justify myself, but rather to understand, accept and love others who also struggle with various behavioural issues.

Thank God for the deep emotions that He gave me. However, these emotions are wonderful servants, but terrible masters. So He intended me to use these emotions in the ways that He want them to be used - to understand and minister to others, to glorify Him more powerfully through works of arts, and so on. Not to be let loose like nuclear missiles.

Ultimately, life is not about expecting others to understand me, but to seek to understand others, that I can, as a fellow sinner, help point them to Jesus the Saviour. That is how to make a life. Because Christ came not to be served, but to serve, and give His life as a ransom for many.

Anyway, I went on to Galatians 5. And the passage spoke to me so much. The acts of the sinful nature are obvious, including outbursts of anger. But the fruit of the Spirit include gentleness and self-control.

Self-control!

When I continued reading on, I realised that there's the sinful nature in me that wants to assert itself, but as long as I choose to be led by the Holy Spirit, I also am hammering my old sinful nature to the cross.

It's a touching relief from God, because I realised that God doesn't condemn me for my character failings and sins. Rather, He points out to me that these are the acts of the sinful nature, and I must daily choose not the way of the old sinful nature, but the way of the Holy Spirit.

Because the sinful nature sure is like a Terminator - persistent, powerful and damned hard to kill. So I MUST terminate my sinful nature every day, or else, in Kyle Reese's words: "Listen, and understand. That terminator is out there. It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead."

Horrifying, yeah?

Lord, I repent of this sinful attitude in my heart. Thank You Lord for reminding me that it's not part of who I am - so I'm not condemned, but that it's an old but persistent foe that needs to be killed every day. And for Your Holy Spirit who enables me to grow in a truly sweet spirit, a heart that genuinely loves You, and one that appreciates and delights in other people.