Thank You so much dear Father for Your mercy indeed... after thinking about what Peter shared with me about the possibility of unforgiveness and bitterness in my heart that is hindering me from experiencing God's presence... I thought about it, and realised there's at least one person whom I still harbor a lot of resentment... and I prayed about it... realised it was a wrestling of my will versus His. Realised that even though the hurts are real, and the resentment is very valid indeed, I just felt this urging in my heart that I need to forgive him, because he really didn't know what he was doing.

So I made the decision to forgive him from my heart, even though I couldn't really understand everything, and whoa, the moment I prayed that prayer in my heart to ask God to help me forgive him, even though he may still continue to hurt me, these words came into my mind immediately:

Luke 6:37-38
"Do not judge, and you will not be judged.
Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned.
Forgive, and you will be forgiven.
Give, and it will be given to you.
A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap.
For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."

These words came with this sense of forgiveness... it's a strange but sweet feeling - you feel His grace once again pouring into your heart, a grace that enables you to love, heal and forgive. A grace that is strong, filled with strength and peace. A grace greater than our sins. HALLELUJAH! :D

As I read these words again, I think the Holy Spirit wants to help me understand that the Christian heart is called to move from unforgiveness, judgemental spirit, a condemning heart... to a spirit of grace, a spirit that gives freely as it has received.

And hee, hallelujah, somehow my spirit feels revived again, like the sweet rains of spring, pitter-pattering down on my dry heart. It really feels like that! :D Hee! :D Thank You so much dear Lord... and thank You especially for a dear friend's sweet and timely encouragement today:"Jesus... is the rain that falls on our heart when we are dry."

And as I read Psalm 66 (I finally moved on from Psalms 62 and 63 haha...),

"For you, O God, tested us;
you refined us like silver.
You brought us into prison
and laid burdens on your backs.
You let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and water,
but you brought us to a place of abundance."

I learnt that often God allows us to go through times of dryness and difficulties... because they are times of testing and of refining. Though these are times of burdens and of being stuck in a rut as in prison, and though we feel like we are going through hell and high water...

... because when He is done testing and refining us, He will bring us into a place of abundance, into heaven and sweet waters.

It's like my software testing work. Something I learnt from my software testing work recently is that testing is NOT an easy job. Testing is often mundane, and requires patience and perseverance, not only for the one being tested, but also for the tester. The tester has to be very detailed, and often it requires doing what seems like meaningless repetitive tests (like, for e.g. how I have to keep on opening and closing a particular form about 10 to 20 times to see if it will crash... it is mind-numbing indeed).

Actually, these seemingly meaningless repeated tests are one of the most powerful tests in our software testing arsenal. They are called "stress tests", and they really aim to push the program to its limits. Through all these repeated testings, you find increasingly subtle bugs that are very subtle indeed, but if not caught, will crash the ENTIRE system and possibly cascade the damage to other applications.

Like how, if a person has a very subtle character flaw, he/she may perform well in a leadership capacity, but under sustained stress in during a very difficult time... he/she may turn away from God totally in the end. Better a poor, humble and broken spirit that is faithful to God to the very end, for that is what ultimately counts in His eyes - a spirit that loves Him to the very end.

Thank God so much for His touch, His love... there's still a lot of cleaning up to be done, but thank God so much indeed... these words really speak to me:

"If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened;
but God has surely listened and heard my voice in prayer.
Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer
or withheld his love from me!" :D

Whee! my sentiments exactly! :D

Thank God indeed so much... think through this experience, I have learnt a teeny-weeny little bit more of what His grace really tastes like. Grace... what a sweet sound! Hope I've passed this test here... uh-oh, I remember Peter's words that I'll be tested repeatedly again and again. Never mind, keep on going, YA! Jesus is not done with you yet! But praise Him anyway, for He is good, and His love endures forever! Amen and amen! :D