Just read Shuyi's post, and for some inexplicable reason, felt very... oxygenated (hee hee!) when i read it. always love the air of sweetness that is in her entries - not a saccharine sweetness, but a true refreshing childlikeness of the soul... that is so important to working adults.

I don't know how to express all the things that have been in me, recently... in fact, when i pray, i really have to lean on this verse: "In the same way the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."

Thank You so much dear Lord for Your groans together with us. I'm so touched by Your realness, by Your heart... I feel like a shadow, next to the real thing... You know, something through these days of work, work and work that fly past like fleeting shadows, is that it helps me realise just how real You are.

Age to age He stands
And time is in His hands
Beginning and the end
Beginning and the end

Again, it feels wintry in my soul. I was lying on my bed just now, looking up at the ceiling... (I remember how I also used to do the same when I wasn't a Christian then, and just whispering, "God, if You're real, show Yourself to me," one Christmas night.) So many sad thoughts, just find it hard to smile. Especially when fellowship is just once a week...

I also have been wondering why I keep blogging melancholic thoughts in my blog. (Like... now? Hohoho) There are so many thankful and sweet moments that have happened in the past few weeks... like just a few days ago, during CG, how You enabled me to share a very refreshing sharing during Holy Communion...

I remember! It was so funny... 'cos I had initially sent to Huaqiang a totally different plan... but when the actual time came, I just sensed strongly that what I had planned wouldn't be... right for that particular moment. So decided to obey that prompting, and just shared impromptu, personally, from the heart about how simple Holy Communion is. It was funny, but memorable, and when I asked HQ how was the sharing, he said it was very good! So amazed at being able to experience Your prompting... it makes me smile a little more.

Oh God! i long for days of past, when life was easier in a way, that we could meet up more often and encourage one another in fellowship at HQ. And i'm glad that i made the constant decision to spend time at HQ, with the other bros and sisters, to bless, pray for and encourage. Knowing full well that my grades would take a hit, but in the end, I see how You have blessed me with an excellent and stable job that amazingly, someone of my uni grades shouldn't be able to get. How true once again... that when we choose to seek first Your kingdom and Your righteousness, all the things that we need are also given unto us as well.

I also have been thinking a lot about things as well. Sometimes I feel a lot of constant discouragement about what I am NOT right now. And feel the worries about imagined comments from certain people that I have to improve myself... etc etc. (I'm getting defensive here :P) True, yes... but in the end, I have to remember, I'm living for His approval, not the approval of men. And besides, these certain people themselves are ... to be frank... lacking in certain areas of their own lives, and they aren't growing, thriving, yet imposing their own expectations on others. It just leaves a sour taste in your heart after you interact with them. And I know I'm not alone in this, 'cos a few other bros and sisters have echoed the same thing.

Sigh. Feel like a soldier once again in the trenches... and how alone one can feel at times. But I'm encouraged and touched by Your words that gently carry me on eagles' wings (Exodus 19:4) through the desert. Life in Adults is strange, to be sure... people speak of adjusting expectations... but there is always the risk that you cut out good longings. I have noticed how reactionary this can be - for you risk throwing out the baby with the bathwater. Rather, we shouldn't cut off our longing for human relationships, for we were made for relationships. But rather, we need to adjust our expectations to take greater ownership of our own lives, to take initiative to meet up with others, to fellowship with them... 'cos I don't want to be become inwards-looking again.

Sigh. Oh God, be with us when we are alone. Now I lean back, and ponder. There are so many people I want to build relationships with, and God, You know how I have nothing much in the way of building relationships but sheer perseverance. You know how little I am, and how it fills me with sadness many times. But I'm grateful to You that You've given me the gift of sincerity, which helps a lot when I do my best to build relationships... I build relationships to win people to You... and knowing that as I do, I have to keep on dying to myself, because it doesn't go naturally with me.

Sigh. Lord, still so many things, and why am I still feeling so low? Help me look up to You from my lowness of spirit, Daddy. And renew in me a sweet childlike spirit once again. Renew my heart, so that I am truly living for You, Jesus...

And gee. Could You help me write more joyful entries in this blog next time, so that it can refresh the hearts of others more when they read it? Don't want them to feel so... like, melancholic, when they read it. :P

Sometimes I think we focus too much on being strategic, being intentional, when we write... I can't write like Andrew does, being insightful and so on... I can't write analytically like Edwin does... I can't write as inspirationally as Ellson or Huanyan do. But one thing I ask: Help me write with more songs of joy to You, Lord. As Huanyan shared with me last time, "You know, I think one of the best ways you can bless people is with a heart of joy." :)

Hee! yah, I'm reminded again last time how this dear friend of mine shared with me what influenced him to become a Christian - he said it was my heart of joy as a Christian that touched him a lot.

oh dear. need a breakthrough... :P